Turns Out, Cops & Donuts Do Mix

Not guilty!
Not guilty!

My sordid past is catching up on me. I thought if I shaved the moustache, died the hair, and even pulled some of it out, then I’d be able to fade into obscurity. Maybe if I had consulted with the same scalpel jockey that Don’t-Call-Me-Bruce Jenner used I could have escaped.

On the other hand, no. He (Jenner) underwent the knife to gain notice. Can you imagine me with lipstick? I’d look like a certain (real) female politician known for her scrupulous truth telling. Say: with my record, maybe I could run for office.

Anyway, send bail money, preferably in the form of speaking and training gigs.

Cops & Donuts is a real shop in downtown Clare, Michigan. “100% Cop Owned”, as they say. It’s a bakery that’s been in place since the late Nineteenth Century (how many more centuries we have to go is anybody’s guess). Terrific donuts and salt-rising bread. Get their special, The Squealer. Hint: bacon is involved.

Whoever runs the place has a keen sense of humor, as these pictures demonstrate.




Speaking of feasting locales, also highly recommended is the Railside Bar & Grill in Elmira. Get the potato burger, which comes with restaurant-made French fries (I mean they make them from scratch). Listen to me, now. You will not regret it. Elmira is famous for its many potato farms. The potatoes are mixed in with the beef, making for the creamiest, juiciest burger you’ve ever had.

My dad used to work with the owner of the pub, and he (the owner) said to come back on Friday for the all-you-can-eat Fish Fry, deep- or pan-fried, which has them lined up out the door.

Elmira, incidentally, consists of about five buildings, so don’t speed as you zip down M32 towards Gaylord.

Now to complete troika, on-tap for tonight is the world-famous Bird Bar & Grill. I’ll be having the Swiss olive burger. The Bird is so old school, it doesn’t even have a website.

And speaking of schools, don’t go to the Bird on Thursday or Friday night, as the place is packed with kids from the local college. “Friday night” starts midday Thursday here and lasts until late Sunday (and even into Monday for some).


  1. John B()

    I’ll see if I can get some interest in the Railside at home … only an hour away … only experienced the Elmira Airport so far …

  2. John B()

    … oops … you’re in Michigan … nevermind

  3. “died the hair”–are your enemies at it or was that a clever word play?

    No bail money to spare–I keep a supply for myself in case of too many low end IQ people interrupting my day. I stay away from town as much as possible, of course. Wish I knew someone in my state that would respond to training……

    Donuts and bacon–how can you go wrong! Sounds like a fun vacation. And if you must be locked up somewhere, a town with donuts and bacon is a good choice. The town does seem to have a great sense of humor!

  4. Yawrate

    One of these I’m going to stop at the Railside!

  5. Adrienne S

    Sounds like you are eating your way through Michigan – the best kind of vacation! Nothing like hometown cooking. Good times

  6. Ray

    You could buy the Caitlyn Jenner Halloween costume and try it out as a disguise. You probably would look better than Bruce. He just looks bizarre, like a caricature of a woman.

  7. Gary in Erko

    No tie or hat, rolled up shirt sleeves. It really is a holiday.

  8. Gordon Stenger

    Grew up in Michigan, but never heard of Elmira until now. Your friends at the Railside Grill, though, should learn how to spell Hamtramck if they are advertising the Polish food!

  9. ” no hat or tie…”

    They probably took his belt and shoelaces too. They don’t want any hangin’s.

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