“Man Stupid, Protect Earth.” New Year Message From Koko The Talking Gorilla Answered By Larry The Loquacious Lobster. Update!


Update Don’t miss the astounding update at the bottom.

Koko, the angry talking gorilla, has, according to its handlers NOE Conservation and The Gorilla Foundation, delivered a New Years Message to one and to all! We are told by its minders that it said, “I am gorilla, I am flowers, animals. I am Nature. Koko love man. Earth Koko love.”

Koko, knowing it is a gorilla yet curiously identifying itself as a flower, went on to say, “But man stupid…stupid! Koko sorry, Koko cry. Time hurry. Fix Earth! Help Earth! Hurry! Protect Earth. Nature watches you. Thank you.”

Analysts expressed surprise Koko was pagan, with many having argued in the past that Koko was “friendly” to Scientology. Yet a spokesman for the Gorilla Foundation emphasized that Koko had the ability to “communicate with humans in sign language”. That plus the gorilla’s belief that Nature was “watching” us removed all doubt about Koko’s religious status.

After Koko finished, Reporters immediately contacted the Corporate Crustacean Continuum for the annual rebuttal from Larry, “The Loquacious Lobster”. Larry has been giving its rebuttal to news events of all kinds for nearly fifty years running, and it’s always a media event.

Larry communicates in a form of modified sign language, mainly by wiggling his antennae, and, given he hasn’t a face, by using a friendly star fish as punctuation. The video and translation is below. Readers are warned that Larry has become old and crotchety: this transcript has not been expurgated.

Official Message from Larry the Loquacious Lobster:

Koko think’s it’s a flower? Koko’s an ass. Koko is two bananas short of a bunch. Only an monkey would think that Nature is watching us. This is what happens when you swing from vines. You flounder around and fall on your head. A lot. I’m glad I’m a fish. And don’t get me started on lobsters not being fish, you ichthyophobe.

Fix Earth? It’s going to take more than a sturgeon to fix monkeys who think the earth is in trouble. And what’s with all this hand waving? This isn’t talking. It isn’t even dumb mimicry. I’ve met unschooled parrotfish with more to say. I’d rather be French kissed by a lamprey than be forced to listen to a monkey who thinks it can talk. The coincidence between a monkey putting its finger up its nose and language is a fluke. And, believe me: I know flukes. Flukes aren’t even fit for sushi. Talking monkeys! We ought to grab a pike and make Koko’s trainers walk the plankton.

That’s it. Get out of here and leave me alone. Where’s my nurse? She’s late with my peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich.

Scientists have not only taught gorillas like Koko sign language, they have also been able to teach them that they will die.

Update “What Do Talking Apes Really Tell Us?”

A press release from the foundation announced that Koko the gorilla—the main subject of its research on ape language ability, capable in sign language and a celebrity in her own right—“was quiet and looked very thoughtful” when she heard about [Robin] Williams’ death, and later became “somber” as the news sank in.

The answer to the titular question is that people are even more insane than previously suspected.


  1. Gary

    Quigley reportedly has requested lobster for his last meal.

  2. Wow! The complete and utter belief in superstition and magic has permeated the entire planet. We are indeed in a dark age of magic and foolishness. That we believe morons with an agenda so transparent you could read an 7pt font through it speaks to the utter idiocy of our society. We are in the age of the witch doctor and sacrificing virgins (if we can still find any) to the God Gaia. I am just impressed beyond belief…..Researchers are dumb as boxes of rocks.

    Larry the Loquacious Lobster has promise!

    Reading the comment section of the article, it looks like even the readers think this is idiotic. I am waiting for 4chan to take credit for the hoax. It’s amazing in a world full of tech and information at your fingertips how lazy and stupid those reporting the news are. They would report a Martian landing if it came across the wire with the note “global warming” attached to it.

    Frustrating that news sources are so stupid, but great for a laugh from Larry!

    They murdered the cat!!! How nasty. That is just unconscionable. (And I don’t even like cats. I certainly do not like these “researchers”.)

    Gary—One must wonder if Quigley can figure out the researchers murdered the cat (if he knows about global warming, how hard can it be to figure the cat was owned by an irresponsible human) and he will decide one of them should be his last meal.

  3. Note: I did notice that the euthanized kitten was from the Onion. I should have put a sarc tag (I guess I need a starfish to help with this like Larry does!). I would note that if memory serves, the first cat Quigley had “got out and got hit by a car”, denoting the complete incompetence of the research team.

  4. Anon

    I suppose Koko has as much expertise in fluid dynamics and atmospheric modeling as the climate activist-doomsayers. I hope she’ll be testifying before Congress in the near future.

  5. Gary

    If Koko were smart, she would figure out a way to put her keepers in the cage and herself on the outside. Then again, this climate disaster ploy may mean she’s playing a long con.

  6. I think KoKo’s genome should be analyzed to see if his FOXP2 language gene is more like the human one and less like that of other apes.

  7. And perhaps we can do some analysis of the genomes of his trainers and handlers also.

  8. Gary

    From the Daily Mail article: ‘We presented her with a script drafted by NOE and allowed her to improvise during a series of brief daily video discussion sessions. The result was edited from a number of separate takes, for brevity and continuity.’ The spokesman said Koko had to learn ‘a few new signs’ for the video including ‘protect’ and ‘nature’.

    So Koko was prepped and exploited, the message craftily assembled, and propaganda churned out. Standard operating procedure for the eco-loons.

  9. Yes, Gary, she was prepped and exploited. Can you see my shocked face?! If you read up on this, it seems the only ones who actually can “understand” Koko are her trainers, or in this case, her one trainer that has worked with her for years. The trainer gives the gorilla whatever it wants because an angry gorilla is an ugly thing and Koko may not always “use her words”. It’s all very tenous. Plus, there have been maybe half a dozen primates that learned “language”. That’s not overwhelming evidence that primates can communicate with humans using language (they do communicate—just not nicely).

    There is an article here that was interesting:

    It’s interesting that the “science” of global warming has taken to using the Pope and a gorilla to advance their cause……

  10. Tmitsss

    Is Anna Stubblefield one of Koko’s handlers?

  11. Wilbur Hassenfus

    @John B(), @Tmitsss

    It’s like Clever Hans all over again, but with a dash of romance — and Science!

  12. John B()

    Tmitsss – Yesss

    Re: “Anna Stubblefield”

    I’m concerned about Koko well being and the possible abuse by his facilitator … er trainer


    Re: “Clever Hans”

    Being a Gorilla, I’m certain Koko has the ability to read his trainer’s facial reactions to his words … hence why Koko’s monologue had to be edited as Koko was searching for the words the trainer would react positively to.

    It also brings to mind Memento’s conclusion to Sammy’s story (no short term memory), in that the insurance adjuster realized that Sammy feigned recognition of people in an attempt to fit in and please people.

  13. Gary in Erko

    How did he/she/it/ze know it was new year? A gorilla with an intuitive knowledge of the arbitrary dates of human calendars is remarkable enough, even without the knowledge of the cultural practice of delivering a statement on particular dates.

  14. I’m old enough to remember the Johnny Weismuller “Tarzan” movies; Chita the chimp made a lot more sense than KoKo the gorilla.

  15. John B()

    Bob Kurland:

    That was because Tarzan learned Ape/Chimpanzi!

    Human communication stupid and limited!

  16. Peter A.

    What are these idiots doing to this poor gorilla? Killing the gorilla’s cat to teach him about mortality, and trying to convince him that his existence is meaningless should qualify as psychological abuse.

  17. FAH

    Actually, Koko rather succinctly and honestly summed up the entire rationale for the catastrophic anthropogenic global warming position. It strikes me that Koko would make the appropriate spokesperson for the IPCC, NOAA and EPA. Perhaps a draft movement to install Koko as the head of such agencies is warranted. It would certainly result in a far more accurate statement of the position of such agencies and be a great improvement over the tortured appeals to “science.”

  18. Bert Walker

    At Koko’s debriefing his trainers next taught him: “Bad, stupid Gorilla.! Koko forgot to say ‘More research is needed’ at end of presentation.”

  19. Hector

    As a man I find the gorilla’s speech quite sexist and offensive “Man stupid”? What the… Obviously being indoctrinated by an inter-species feminist movement. Sure enough Koko is female. Look it up. Gorilla just violated my safe space which used to include non-homo sapiens. Shame on you Koko. Had gorilla said “woman stupid” even NPR would be appalled. Who is next? Dolly the sheep(s)?

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