A Final Solution To The Financial Crisis: Guest Post by Uncle Mike

Welcome to our WISE Uncle Mike, who provides for our review a unique idea to solve the world’s financial mess. Greek residents will want to pay particular attention. Your Host will return on Friday.

Sports fans, listen up. After much study and consultations with the top financial experts in the Nation, I have pinpointed the SOLUTION to our economic woes: democratize the franking privilege.

The ANSWER came to me while listening to former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan on Meet The Overlords. The august Ch. Greenspan sagely opined that the US Treasury can meet all debt interest obligations by simply PRINTING MORE MONEY!

That’s right (on the money) and everyone knows it. It’s the tried and true bipartisan, bicameral solution that the Overlards have been using for years. Whenever the Gummit needs more money, they simply print it. More precisely, they push a few buttons on the Federal Reserve computer, and Presto!, more money shows up on the ledgers of banks large and small, national and international.

One glitch in the current system is that more money does NOT show up in the accounts of the account holders, like you and me. That’s a bummer in the summer. But we have the SOLUTION!

Simply distribute, fairly and equitably of course, the franking privilege.

We could make it a cell phone app. You need more moolah, just push a few buttons on your cell phone. Instantly another 10, 20, 50 grr will show up in your bank account. Owe a few bills, maybe some interest due on your mortgage? Just apply the People’s Franking App ©™.

If it’s good enough for the Power Elite, it should be good enough for everybody.

I recall back a few months ago when Warren Buffett, the Richest Man in the World, appearing on the Charlie Rose Show, offered to buy all the “distressed” mortgages for ten cents on the dollar. As generous and kindhearted as Warren’s offer was, it didn’t go far enough. Hey, I thought at the time, I’ll give the bank FIFTEEN cents on the dollar for my mortgage. That beats Warren’s offer by 50%.

I immediately wrote my CongressOaf, the Honorable Porkly Bloathead, to inform him of my brainstorm. He never wrote back, but hey, apparently he was drunk at the time and busy tweeting his body parts to other constituents, so I let it slide.

But true patriot that I am, I cannot let the People’s Franking App ©™ fall into that same black hole.

Just think. Suppose you need an operation, or a car, or a new pair of shoes. Why slave away at some dead end job for peanuts? Why waste your precious time standing in line at the Welfare Office only to encounter some rude functionary with bad breath who dribbles out some pittance that won’t even buy you a small yacht?

The People’s Franking App ©™ cures all those ills. You want it, you can have it. It would be Christmas every day. Think of the stimulus! Heck, multiple stimuli. It would be a field day for manufacturers and other goods and service providers. They could charge almost anything for their wares. Why not? They might have a slight problem finding workers, since nobody would need to work for their pay anymore. But most people work for the sheer joy of it anyway, right? Think of the fun it would be to go to the office and hobnob with the other millionaires, comparing photos of each other’s corporate jets and trophy wives!

Jack up the tax rates. Who cares? That’s the beauty of the People’s Franking App ©™. You can pay your taxes with a push of a button. Any amount. No limit. The Gummit would be awash in money, and nobody would feel the pain except for a few folks with the dreaded “button finger syndrome” when your moneyfinger cramps up, but hey, doctors could charge whatever they want, no problemo.

Write your Oaf today. Demand democracy. Demand the People’s Franking App ©™. Let him, her, or it know that they must vote for egalitarian financial reform TODAY or else. The else being you won’t vote for him, her, or it again if they don’t. That’ll put a fire under them.

PS — Coming Soon, the People’s Voting App ©™ which will give each citizen unlimited votes and thereby level the playing field. Heck, it will level the entire country.


  1. Speed

    You’re too late. Visa, Master Card and Home Equity Lines of Credit have been providing this service for years.

  2. Clayton W

    How do we apply to be a Beta tester? 🙂

  3. Gary

    But what would the kiddies and vagrants have to “occupy” after this app goes viral?

  4. JH

    We could make it a cell phone app. You need more moolah, just push a few buttons on your cell phone. Instantly another 10, 20, 50 grr will show up in your bank account.

    No, no, no, dear Uncle Mike, this means that I’d have to own a cell phone.

    I don’t have any solution, but please send me a tax rebate check, just like the one I received during Bush administration, to help me offset the high prices at the pump. ^_^

    (I know, I am probably the only one who doesn’t own one here.)

  5. Doug M

    Robert Mugabe turned on his xerox machine and forgot about it.

    I keep a $100,000,000,000,000 Zimbabwe dollar. I used to have a 1$ ZWD coin that was worth about 75 cents in 1980.

  6. bob

    How do you trademark a copyright? The next thing will be patents for trademarked copyrights, or copyrighted trademarks.

    Is all this protection necessary? Is this about apps? Uncle Mike must be a lawyer.

  7. Ken

    Isn’t the Franking Privilege merely the authorization to certain types of mail letters, etc. for free….it has nothing to do with the content of the parcels mailed. Thus, extending the right to everyone to mail some stuff for free really does nothing toward getting any added money, etc.

  8. It’s Social Credit on steroids! Bu it discards the petty limits of the Social Credit theory for the “no limits” of FED theory! Brilliant, timely and where can I get MINE? I’m real fast on the iPhone keys and believe I could have more $$$ than Warren Buffet in approx. 1.6 seconds, and since he’s an old dude with stiff fingers he’ll never, ever catch up.

    Thank you for solving this.

  9. Richard Hill

    Over on Instapundit they often mention Ayn Rand, now Social Credit gets a mention. Is Henry George waiting in the cupboard to be dragged out? We live in interesting times.

  10. James Gibbons

    “It would be Christmas every day”

    That brought back fond memories of Gilliam’s Brazil movie but those damn terrorists keep messing things up!

  11. “Franking,” to my knowledge, has nothing to do with printing money.

    It’s merely making a mark or code on the outside of an envelope or parcel, signifying the costs of mailing have been paid, or are guaranteed.

    Example: Representative Forbush abuses his franking privileges by sending campaign literature to his constituents.

  12. GoneWithTheWind

    Isn’t it interesting that a politicians solution to every problem is more taxes?

  13. Thank you, Sports Fans, for your kudos and criticisms. My responses follow:

    1. “Franking” was the wrong word. I was drunk when I wrote the piece, but that excuse only works with college students, which I am not.

    The right word(s) is “Quantitative Easing”, which is when a central bank purchases assets with “new money”. Note that the “new money” is not (necessarily) printed cash; QE is usually done by computer transactions. The central bank may purchase government bonds, foreign currency, corporate bonds, asset backed securities, stocks, or even extend commercial loans with the money it creates.

    2. Inflation results from QE. Inflation is like a tax on everybody, but some entities feel it less because the gummit just drove up their stock price by purchasing their corporate bonds, or asset backed securities, or what have you, with the “new money” the central bank created out of thin air.

    3. My idea is to distribute the “new money” to the citizens of this great nation, in an equitable fashion, and screw the banks and corporations. Why should they get all the “new money”?

    If the Fed (our central bank) wants to create a trillion dollars out of thin air, I say well fine. Who am I to question the fiducial perspicacity of the Ruling Elite? The country needs more dough sez the Big Bank. Great! But don’t give it to the fat cats. Instead cut every registered citizen a fair share. With 300 million citizens, a trillion dollars divides into $3,333.33 for each man, woman, and child (with a valid SSN).

    With equitable distribution to the Pipple of the magic new thin air money, the effect on the economy would be exactly the same as the current method, which we all hate for very good reasons, so let’s do it my way instead.

  14. ferd berple

    Great idea.

    I don’t agree with Greenspan over printing money to pay interest however. After all, if you can print money to pay the interest, why not use the money to pay off the principle?

    Apply the Greenspan solution to the entire debt. Print $14 trillion overnight and pay everyone off, cancelling both the debt and the interest. Problem solved.

  15. gnomish

    brilliant solution to pay off the national debt that way. i love it.
    might as well abolish income tax and disband the irs, too – just print more. could there be a flatter yet more progressive way than a user tax on currency? doesn’t that fairly negate currency as a store of wealth equally for anybody who keeps or uses currency?

    along with that, of course, let’s mint the ron paul silver coins and such.

  16. Justin Jefferson

    “along with that, of course, let’s mint the ron paul silver coins and such.”

    Good idea. Let’s see which is more representative of society, the state, or society itself.

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