Look! Up In The Sky! It’s BIRD FLU!

Look! Up In The Sky! It’s BIRD FLU!

One of my favorite comedic lunatic gibbering fear drippers during the covid panic, and maybe one of yours, too, was Eric Fing-Ding. He used any excuse to say THIS MAY BE THE END. If he walked outside and saw his shadow he was sure it could be tied into how covid might finally—this time!—mutate into its deadliest form and kill us all.

Might, could, and maybe were his, and a legion of other fear fools, favorite words.

One worried about poor Fing-Ding’s sanity. Not during the covid panic, because his girlish hersterical squeals made him quite a large following. He was a celebrity, and doing fine selling morbid apprehension. I mean after. Once the covid panic ended (for most of us), I was concerned how he would handle the loss of his profession. Would he adjust? Would he flounder? Would he sink into the dark oblivion of despair and depression?

Never fret—I bring you good news! Not only has Fing-Ding come through the loss of covid fear mongering unscathed, he has already emerged as a clear front runner in the brand new BIRD FLU PANIC.

Last week he was already showing top form when he tweeted, “This isn’t mentioned much — but human eyes have the same type of receptors that make eyes susceptible to avian flu that birds have. This is why infection conjunctivitis is a concern too, regardless of any new avian flu mutation.”


Masks can’t stop bird flu, you see. Because you see. Best thing you can do to avoid dying in agony from BIRD FLU is close your eyes! DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES. SEEING IS DEATH.

Take note. This is how true innovators work. Fing-Ding could have, like some by now surely did, pushed masks to stop the bird flu horror. But people, except effeminates and woke white women, are tired of masks. Pushing masks again so soon after the last time would win few nervous minds into the new panic, and it would leave many blase. He had to pick something new, or relatively new. And did.

Fing-Ding innovated. He made eyes the vector of infection. So much for your masks! Now you will need specially designed CDC-approved NPC-8000™ Bird Flu Googles! Listen to NPR for reports on their effectiveness.

While Fing-Ding is right out in front, we must admit that he has stiff competition.

Like Suresh Kuchipudi. He said “we are getting dangerously close to this [bird flu, H5N1] virus potentially causing a pandemic”.

We all know how scary pandemics are. Yet not that scary. Not anymore. Just saying “new pandemic” won’t cut it. He had to do better. And did.

“This appears to be 100 times worse than Covid,” he said. “Or it could be if it mutates and maintains its high case fatality rate.”

One hundred times worse than covid. Nice. One hundred is the perfect number. “Ten times” is worrisome, it’s true, but it doesn’t grab the attention. “One thousand times” frizzes the mental faculties, all right, but it’s too big to be believable. One hundred is the perfect balance.

Kuchipudi knows he can rely on WHO to back him up. In that same link we learn that “The World Health Organization estimates the fatality rate for H5N1 at 52 percent”.

An infection fatality rate of 52%! Amazing. Covid didn’t even break 1%, and not even 0.1%. Pathetic, really. But bird flu is right up there with anthrax, ebola, and septicemic plague, all nasty ways to go. An excellent selling point.

Yet bird flu still short of rabies, which kills everything, unless treated almost instantly. Hard to see how they can juice a panic with rabies, though. Because you have to be bit by something already rabid.

Even with stalwart silly soldiers like Fing-Ding and Kuchipudi, it going to be hard to sell this bird flu panic. It’s going to be uphill all the way trying to make it sound horrifying. Everybody likes birds. They’re cute. “Bird flu” just doesn’t sound bad.

We see now where they missed their chance. They could have done rabies, instead. But of a new kind, where the infected person who before death is first driven mad by the bug, and then goes on to bite fresh uninfected victims, who in turn go on to bite more.

That would be scary.

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  1. Brian (bulaoren)

    How about Lycanthropy? Like rabies, It is said to be transmitted through bites. Would that sell? Don’t laugh yet; A few weeks ago, I found and brought home a lichen encrusted rock, which now sits among my begonias.. As I announced my new pet, several people thought I was talking about my new pet “Lycan”.

  2. Hagfish Bagpipe

    Fing-Ding? Had to look him up. Some diversity dog-eating chink hiding under a Jewish Norse name. Should be Ming Fling Ding. He looks to be a clever student of how to succeed in the Shifty Grifter Empire. And then you’ve got some street-pooping bobblehead with a name, “cootchie-pooty”, like a genital disease, angling for a clown world career. That’s a long walk on a short pier, Pajeet.

    Agree, “Bird-Flu” needs work, not scary enough. How about an epidemic of Jew-Flu? Six million times deadlier than covid. You catch it from getting in debt and watching porn, your nose swells up, you get the uncontrollable urge to start a ponzi, and then you mass-murder your enemies, who are everyone in the world. Now there’s a terrifying disease.

  3. William Wallace

    Like Covid in America, Bird Flu is exceptionally dangerous because the Experts cull the flocks with great enthusiasm.

  4. Bah! rerun the covid scare? that’s for amateurs.. how about rerunning the Y2K scare as U2C? .. like this:

    Everyone knows things expand with heat and scientists say a change as small as 1.037 degrees will cause numbers to expand. 2+2 will still look like four, but the effects of climate change on numbers processed by computers will have catastrophic consequences. For example geo code (a precise value with many digits like 53.544389, -113.490927 ) expansions will have self driving cars thinking bridges and lamp posts have moved, jumbo aircraft killing hundred by missing runways, and fully automatic assault missiles landing on civilians.

  5. Tars Tarkus

    Can you do an article on PFAS? I’ve heard of the alleged dangers of PFAS periodically, but I noticed weasel terms like “linked to” and “associated with” are always used. Now the Daily Mail is reporting on a “study” of fruits and vegetables supposedly loaded up with PFAS and is gonna kill us all.

    “Shock study reveals up to 95% of fruit and vegetables sold in the UK contains toxic substances thought to cause cancer and damage the heart”


  6. Cary D Cotterman

    Drug stores will be selling packets of cheap Bird Flu glasses, which will just be recycled and re-labeled eclipse glasses. There will be small-print disclaimers on the packets that they do not prevent infection by Bird Flu; nevertheless, Fauci and NPR will endorse their use. We will have Bird Flu Glasses Karens screeching at us at the supermarket. There will be a new rash of self-righteous lawn signs. Huzzah. I can’t wait.

  7. Brian (bulaoren)

    In reference to yesterday’s solar apocalypse; I was waiting to observe the “Transitioning of Venus”. Sadly, no such luck (although we in Arkansas had a good view). If Tyresias is a Briggs reader, I, for one, would welcome his opinion on transitioning, celestial or otherwise.

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