What Will You Do To Celebrate Earth Day?

t-shirtOn this most holy day, I shall trek—barefoot because my Cannondale SuperSix EVO Di2 ($11,000) bicycle is in the shop to be fitted with eco-friendly rubber tires—to the local Whole Foods (revenue about $9 billion) and go forth onto the organic vegetable aisle and there I shall stand and just be, absorbing passively the organicness of the three-dollar carrots and six-dollar bundles of kale.

When a fellow celebrant chooses a bundle of free range potatoes for his basket, I shall catch his glance and hold his eye and let him know through my gaze that I am his brother. Since my feet will be hurting, I will hope by my gesture that he will recognize a fellow creature in need and offer me a ride to the Earth Day Rally in his Prius ($40,285). In the spirit of amity, I shall buy the gas ($4.39 a gallon; from Shell).

On the way, I hope to induce my brother to stop at Nature Clothing Company which is selling special organic cotton Earth Day clothing “which protect[s] your skin AND the planet.” (Special UPS corporation delivery for a modest additional fee.) Nothing says piety like an Campbell Organic Tee ($32) coupled with wrinkly hemp pants ($78). It goes without saying that I’ll be wearing organic shorts ($19.50). I’m skipping the bamboo socks ($10.50) for today.

On the way and to pass the time in a way most appropriate, I shall show him the speech I have prepared and stored on my 64GB iPhone 4 ($399). If he finds that difficult to read because he is driving and wearing his Dragon Alliance E.C.O. organic sunglasses ($100), I shall open up my black 64GB (with 4G wireless) iPad ($899) and show him the Keynote ($9.99) presentation.

To keep my throat from drying out, I shall sip my acai berry protein smoothie ($8.50) from The Planet: Cafe Organic. For my companion, an organic fair trade chai latte double shot with nutmeg sprinkle (est. $7.00). Of course, we will drink these refreshing beverages from a reusable Purica Steel thermos ($20.95 each). When I deliver my speech, I will naturally have at my wide the Klean Kanteen, made from non-leaching, toxin-free sustainable materials ($23.95) and filled with organic water.

When we are all assembled, I shall open with a joke at the expense of Fox News which I heard on Comedy Central (which is owned by Viacom, which in turn is owned in majority by National Amusements, Inc.; revenue about $3.4 billion) on The Daily Show ($28,000 for 30-second ad in 2003).

In preparing my talk, my iPad made it easy to cut and paste clips from the New York Times (est. 2011 revenue $168 million; ads are several thousand dollars). Of course, I could not have done anything without (ad-sponsored) Google (2011 revenues about $38 billion). What made it especial breeze was that I was able to do it all wirelessly ($30 a month plan from AT&T; revenue $126 billion). With the new battery technology, I know that I needn’t fear running out of power as I give my talk (average $0.171 per kwh electricity; PG&E revenue about $15 billion).

Not everybody can make it to the rally, so I plan on recording my words and uploading them to YouTube (owned by Google), and later Tweeting about it (Twitter revenue about $260 million) and naturally posting it to Facebook (unknown revenue; company value now at $104 billion). Not to mention Pinterst, Stumble Upon, LinkedIn, and so on (all companies doing well). I have even packed my slides into a modest book, which I shall offer for a token $0.50 at Amazon (revenue about $48 billion).

I hope to see you all later on this most crucial today. We must Save The Planet! We have never before been in greater peril. Don’t forget the words of Michael Oppenheimer, who said, “[By] 1995, the greenhouse effect would be desolating the heartlands of North America and Eurasia with horrific drought, causing crop failures and food riots…[By 1996] The Platte River of Nebraska would be dry, while a continent-wide black blizzard of prairie topsoil will stop traffic on interstates, strip paint from houses and shut down computers.”

Oh, I almost forgot. The title of my talk is, “How Corporate American And Capitalism Is Destroying Our Environment.”


  1. Bruce

    I plan to take my dog for a walk in the park. After driving to the park in my 1977 Cadillac with a 424 cu in V8.

  2. JH

    It’s wonderful that you are willing to spend money to save the earth! You need a better pair of shoes for walking. ^_^

  3. JDubs

    Having a laugh at the lack of self-awareness displayed by these deluded souls is a good way to kick off the day’s festivities. I shall fill my day with unabashed capitalistic thoughts and actions.

  4. Speed

    In weather news, a major snow storm is predicted to dump six to twelve inches of organic wet snow on Western Pennsylvania accompanied by 15 to 25 mph (gusts to 45 mph) winds. Tree branches which are natually covered with early season leaves are expected to collect snow and fall on wires taking out power and communications over a large area.

    Bicycle travel is not recommended. Sales of generators and chain saws are expected to spike, schools will close, and people will be cold and unable to get to work. Farmers without generators will have unmilked cows. Home schooling will continue unabated though cold with special studies on “energy and the economy.”

    Hospitals will cancel elective surgeries and The Weather Channel will raise rates to advertisers.

  5. I’m just relaxing at home listening to the mockingbirds sing and watching the hummingbirds. I’ll spend a little time reflecting at how effectively marketers exploit public sentiment always turning it into products and sales opportunities.

  6. Tom S

    You seem to have the ability to find the negative in everything and everybody.

  7. Katie

    What negative? This is a joyous celebration of Earth Day.

  8. bob

    Hmmm… The Apple Store has them listed for $829.00. You must have visited Starbucks afterwords for a latte.

    My wife has the new iPad I(64 gb, 4G/LTE), and it is a really cool device. I am so glad to know that we are saving the planet with technology.

  9. Ray

    I was going to have burnt offerings to Gaia but it’s cold and raining in virginia so I can’t barbeque and turn charcoal into CO2. Instead I’ll set a Volt on fire to propitiate the green gods.

  10. My Earth Day observance was cutback somewhat when I went to church. Except for that interlude, however, I’ve been able to pay homage to Gaia all day by firing up all three cars at the crack of dawn and idling their engines – an activity which I plan to continue until dusk. My thinking is that spewing untold gazillions of microns of toxic fumes into the earth’s atmosphere is a perfect way to show my respect for the goals of Earth Days’ founders.

  11. Noblesse Oblige

    When is Earth Day?

  12. DAV

    A hangover is usually evidence of a day well celebrated so I was thinking of dumping some toxic waste in my backyard so Gaia will awaken tomorrow with a proper hangover.

  13. obiwankenobi

    Really, really ponder how civilization managed to come so far so fast…

  14. Hal

    Mother Earth must chuckle at this designation. EVERY day is Earth Day. Just as it has been for billions and billions and billions of days.

    On April 22, 1970 my High School science class cleaned up several ditches, finding a large supply of beer cans along the way. I just wished I would have kept some of those vintage cans. They could have been worth some big bucks today.

  15. Uncle Mike

    After six cruel months of endless dripping clouds, the sun finally came out in western Oregon today. All that rain was depressing, but it sure helped the grass grow. I thought somebody had stolen my pickup truck, but then I mowed the lawn today and there it was.

  16. Well, when you say it like that ….

    For earth day, I am planning to drive my 24 mile round trip commute (2 gallons @ 4.00) eat a McDouble ($1.00) and drink part of a bottle of Oak Leaf Sauvignon Blanc from Wal-Mart ($3.19)

    Have a blessed day, all.

  17. bobmark

    Tossed another old tire onto the burn pile.

  18. lee

    Totally forgot earth day this year. Had planned on idling my car in order to charge my cell phone. (The best part of which is that my cell phone can charge on the car battery WITHOUT running the engine, so it is totally pointless to turn on the ignition, and spew noxious gases into the atmosphere. And it was going to be better this year since I replaced my PZEV with a big ass SUV! Fun times!) But, Joke, you have giving me a new thing to do–and for the exact same reason. More fun still would be to chop down a tree if one of those numb skulls was sitting in it. High above, in very high boughs. Hell, if they survived the felling of the tree, burning its carcass should put the idiot tree sitter out of my misery. Oh, well. At least my husband works in a lumber mill!

    Big hat tip, Joke!

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