On this most holy day, I shall trek—barefoot because my Cannondale SuperSix EVO Di2 ($11,000) bicycle is in the shop to be fitted with eco-friendly rubber tires—to the local Whole Foods (revenue about $9 billion) and go forth onto the organic vegetable aisle and there I shall stand and just be, absorbing passively the organicness of the three-dollar carrots and six-dollar bundles of kale.
When a fellow celebrant chooses a bundle of free range potatoes for his basket, I shall catch his glance and hold his eye and let him know through my gaze that I am his brother. Since my feet will be hurting, I will hope by my gesture that he will recognize a fellow creature in need and offer me a ride to the Earth Day Rally in his Prius ($40,285). In the spirit of amity, I shall buy the gas ($4.39 a gallon; from Shell).
On the way, I hope to induce my brother to stop at Nature Clothing Company which is selling special organic cotton Earth Day clothing “which protect[s] your skin AND the planet.” (Special UPS corporation delivery for a modest additional fee.) Nothing says piety like an Campbell Organic Tee ($32) coupled with wrinkly hemp pants ($78). It goes without saying that I’ll be wearing organic shorts ($19.50). I’m skipping the bamboo socks ($10.50) for today.
On the way and to pass the time in a way most appropriate, I shall show him the speech I have prepared and stored on my 64GB iPhone 4 ($399). If he finds that difficult to read because he is driving and wearing his Dragon Alliance E.C.O. organic sunglasses ($100), I shall open up my black 64GB (with 4G wireless) iPad ($899) and show him the Keynote ($9.99) presentation.
To keep my throat from drying out, I shall sip my acai berry protein smoothie ($8.50) from The Planet: Cafe Organic. For my companion, an organic fair trade chai latte double shot with nutmeg sprinkle (est. $7.00). Of course, we will drink these refreshing beverages from a reusable Purica Steel thermos ($20.95 each). When I deliver my speech, I will naturally have at my wide the Klean Kanteen, made from non-leaching, toxin-free sustainable materials ($23.95) and filled with organic water.
When we are all assembled, I shall open with a joke at the expense of Fox News which I heard on Comedy Central (which is owned by Viacom, which in turn is owned in majority by National Amusements, Inc.; revenue about $3.4 billion) on The Daily Show ($28,000 for 30-second ad in 2003).
In preparing my talk, my iPad made it easy to cut and paste clips from the New York Times (est. 2011 revenue $168 million; ads are several thousand dollars). Of course, I could not have done anything without (ad-sponsored) Google (2011 revenues about $38 billion). What made it especial breeze was that I was able to do it all wirelessly ($30 a month plan from AT&T; revenue $126 billion). With the new battery technology, I know that I needn’t fear running out of power as I give my talk (average $0.171 per kwh electricity; PG&E revenue about $15 billion).
Not everybody can make it to the rally, so I plan on recording my words and uploading them to YouTube (owned by Google), and later Tweeting about it (Twitter revenue about $260 million) and naturally posting it to Facebook (unknown revenue; company value now at $104 billion). Not to mention Pinterst, Stumble Upon, LinkedIn, and so on (all companies doing well). I have even packed my slides into a modest book, which I shall offer for a token $0.50 at Amazon (revenue about $48 billion).
I hope to see you all later on this most crucial today. We must Save The Planet! We have never before been in greater peril. Don’t forget the words of Michael Oppenheimer, who said, “[By] 1995, the greenhouse effect would be desolating the heartlands of North America and Eurasia with horrific drought, causing crop failures and food riots…[By 1996] The Platte River of Nebraska would be dry, while a continent-wide black blizzard of prairie topsoil will stop traffic on interstates, strip paint from houses and shut down computers.”
Oh, I almost forgot. The title of my talk is, “How Corporate American And Capitalism Is Destroying Our Environment.”