Canada Invents New Euphemism For Doctor Killings

“See that guy over there, Mugsy?”

“Yeah, boss.”

“He needs to be provisioned.”

“You got it, boss.”

I have a small collection of euphemisms for killings, curious deaths and murder. Most of them are comedic, like Wodehouse’s “handing in his dinner pail.” You know the serious ones: expedited, eliminated, liquidated, liberated (from Real Genius), handled, disappeared, etc.

So you can imagine how thrilled I was to discover a new one, invented by Canadian doctors: provisioned.

You are provisioned when a doctor slips you the needle or some pills, on purpose, to send you instantly to your Particular Judgment. (The doctors will get theirs at later dates, and boy wouldn’t you like to be, as they say, a fly on the cloud for those.)

Doctors—white-coated physician killers, we can call them R_xecutioners—are increasingly enjoying collecting paychecks to kill Canadians.

According to the official “Sixth Annual Report on Medical Assistance in Dying in Canada“, 16,499 ex-Canadians were produced, or rather provisioned, in 2024. Some 22,535 applied, but 4,017 of them cheated their R_xecutioner by dying early. Can you picture the dejected look on the killer-doctor’s face, his needle poised, poisoned and dripping, only to find his customer left without him? Sad.

These numbers were up from 2023, but the rate of growth of killings (provisionings) has slowed; it was 6.9% from 2023 to 2024. If that deceleration stays about the same, R_xecutioners will put some 17,500 under in 2025. And slightly more than that in 2026.

“The vast majority (95.6%),” of those slaughtered, “identified as Caucasian (White).” R_xecutioner provisionings are the one area where Canadian rulers allow Whites to excel. Incidentally, what’s with “identified”? Maybe Canadian rulers will let people identify as different races.

But never mind all that. The report is a wonderful, almost pristine, example of pure Expertism, the perfect blend of scientism and bright red euphemism. All should read it.

The Minister in charge of R_xecutions is darn happy to tell you all about them.

As Minister of Health, I am pleased to share Health Canada’s Sixth Annual Report on Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID). This report shows our commitment to providing accurate information about MAID and being open and transparent about how it is delivered across Canada.

Provisions are delivered. Perhaps they’re working on an app where you can get door-to-death delivery in under thirty minutes, guaranteed.

Good news is Canadian’s top judges “found that the absolute prohibition of MAID was against the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms“. A “right” to be killed by a doctor was discovered in the Charter, hidden away like pirate treasure..

Just like would-be moms icing their children before they are naturally unwombed, the ladies calling these killings “health care”, R_xecutions are called “end-of-life care”. I think you’ll agree ending-life care is better, though.

R_xecutions had two “tracks”, the first those with “reasonably foreseeable deaths”. They means deaths by causes other than doctor-killings being foreseen, of course. Yet it’s easy to suppose relying on doctors’ powers of prognostication will lead to sitcom-worthy scenes: “Say, Bob, it looks like you had the wrong chart and foresaw the wrong death.” “Now we’re going to have to find the other guy and kill him, too. I’ll miss my tea time!” [Canned laughter]

It’s “tea time” and not “tee time”, because you can’t play golf in the Great White North.

The second track is (their emphasis) “not ‘reasonably foreseeable'” deaths. These are better called recreational killings. “These made up a small minority of MAID provisions (4.4%).” Smart money says that percentage swells as the Boomers age out.

I’ll make another prediction in that vein: Watch for R_xecution parties, celebrations of the lives and coming killings of the victims. All will raise a toast, the victim then escorted into a small room by a doctor, and provisioned. You tell me whether there’ll be Soylent trucks waiting.

Minister:

Looking ahead, we remain focused on making sure MAID meets the needs of those seeking this service.

“Excuse me, I ordered the rainbow needle. You’re trying to provision me with plain white one.”

The Minister boasts:

Since the introduction of MAID, federal, provincial, and territorial governments have worked together to ensure it is provided safely.

Now if you can’t laugh at that safely, and can prove your lack of a sense of humor, you will be provisioned for no charge.

Meanwhile, if you value your health and are Canadian, stay away from doctors. Some of them are downright bloodthirsty. Here is their own histogram of R_xecutioner “caseload”:

Some of those guys are mighty busy.

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