San Francisco mandatory carbon-footprint reduction program begins

Mayor Gavin Newsom announced that San Francisco’s mandatory carbon-footprint reduction program will begin as scheduled on the first of March.

“There never was a problem as serious as global warming and we must take action now,” said mayoral spokesman William Simonson. “San Franciscans are among the most enlightened people of the world and they are eager to do their part,” he continued.

Phase One of the program requires all citizens to cease jogging and other aerobic activities. “Each time a San Franciscan exhales, they add to the already over-burdened carbon dioxide load of the atmosphere.” Simonson explained that “jogging increases the amount of CO2 in people’s breath to unacceptable levels.” All jogging paths will be converted to green space which will also help absorb CO2. Conversion is expected to last at least three years.

The more controversial part of the program is Phase Two, which is expected to remain voluntary. “Each citizen must decide whether Phase Two”—which the mayor has dubbed Going Home—“is right for them.” A public square highlighting a monument on which will be engraved a listing of the volunteers will be opened downtown by late summer. All work on the square has been donated by Gore Enterprises.

“We hope that this beautiful place will encourage more people, not just here in San Francisco, but all over the world to do their part,” said the mayor.

Phase Two is not without controversy. Bob Thorn of Let Us Breath, a non-profit group, said, “This program will never remain purely voluntary. This is just the mayor playing politics.”

Simonson has been quoted as saying that there are no plans to make Phase Two mandatory. “We will visit that issue if our carbon sequestration goals have not been met.” He added that the Let Us Breath’s “scare tactics” were typical of “climate denialists” and that everybody so far has expressed “nothing but support” for the program.

Gore enterprises is a subsidiary of the Soylent Corporation, makers of Soylent Green®.


  1. Jane


  2. Brian

    If “Pardon Me For Breathing!” no longer applies in San Francisco, there should be a proscription there against bloviating government officials and politicians. Then, normal people can get their exercise, stay healthy, and avoid the future
    carbon footprint they would leave by being in poor health.

    “Phase Two” is not described in this article. Does “Going Home” mean less tourism for San Francisco, or just not showing up for work? Any way, sounds “bad for business”.

  3. BlogCaptain

    I have a list of people I’d lke to Go Home.

  4. Administrator

    Raybbr from over at suggests “It’s time for ‘Carousel’….” to which we can only say: Renew! Renew!

  5. bob

    This is great! Thanks for the insightful comments.


  6. Billy

    I am seriously taking this article seriously, and this is exactly how I see it playing out in my head, 100-200 years from now.

    The cause of the problems is humans being humans.

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