Eastern Michigan To Install Zampolit In Every Classroom To Maintain Ideological Purity

Maintaining ideological purity requires constant vigilance. The Commissars in the old Union of Soviet Socialist Republics knew this well. This is why they assigned zampolit, or political officers, to serve at the side of regular army officers.

When an army officer might have an errant thought pop into his head and order his troops, “Right face, harch!” the zampolit would be there to gently correct him. “That’s left face, comrade.” And so the great march of socialism continued along its scientific path.

Eastern Michigan is stealing the soviet idea, and will install zampolit in each academic department so that both students and faculty are showered daily with politically correct ideology. Doubtless, once other universities discover EMU’s trailblazing, they will follow suit.

They’ll be forced to. Standing pat would be racist.

For, you see, the zampolit are there to appease demands from Eastern’s Black Student Union who, in the best traditions of the old Commissars, have put forth a 10-point plan (which actually is 11 points; but math can be a tool of oppression). The Administration is fully behind this necessary political action. As you will see, only racists would disagree. Here are a sampling of the 10 points. The zampolit arise in point #3.

#1: “Percentage of Black faculty to equal that of Black students at EMU (excluding Africology & African Studies faculty)”

Diversity, as is proper and as Yours Truly has proven to you time and again, always means mandatory quotas. Always. Certain departments will be mandated as more equal than others and will be allowed to break the quotas.

#2: “All students will take a general course on race, ethnicity, and racism.”

That non-black students are forced to sit through a course which teaches the greatest of blacks and the not-so-greatness of non-blacks, a not-so-greatness which includes biases, privileges, and various inbred, non-eradicable tendencies will in no way exacerbate any animosity between racial groups. Far from further dividing peoples based on hyper-recognition of differences that don’t matter but do and the purposeful differential treatment mandated among these peoples, these classes will bring harmony and lead us to the nirvana-like state of Awareness.

#3: “A course on Black studies will be built into the curriculum of every major.”

Black student leaders are working closely with faculty administrators to explore curricular options to further this goal. There are well-understood challenges in attempting to incorporate Black studies into every major. For example, it may be difficult to incorporate Black studies into certain natural science majors, and doing so across all majors will require revisions to many courses.

It will indeed be difficult to figure how race fits in with cross-products, pions, and proteins, but together with these Black student leaders we can find a way. I humbly offer these few course suggestions, drawn from my own field (and statistics will have to have its own zampolit). Readers will doubtless think of others for other areas.

  • P-values: Oppressive Tools of the White Hierarchy P-values were created and promulgated by people of no-color, and are therefore suspect on those grounds alone.
  • How Excel Reveals White Privilege What color are the empty cells on a spreadsheet? Coincidence? Or subtle plan of denigration?

#4: “Mandatory cultural competency training for all faculty and staff, including DPS”

Ideological purity begins at the top. Which is why it makes sense to reject, say, a cosmologist who spends all his time thinking about dark matter and who doesn’t give a significant portion of his mental resources to pondering Black matters.

#5: “Designated space where marginalized students can gather safely and learn about financial and academic resources available to Black students.”

Ypsi (as the locals call it) can be a dangerous place. But as of last check, the danger wasn’t from roving mobs of people of no-color. Why not, then, make the entire campus a safe space?

Before we go, let’s return to the goal of the zampolit and other initiatives: Unity. Having kids scurry over the quad saying, because they were told to say, “I’m black! I’m black!” or “I’m white! I’m white!” is, I think readers will agree, the best way to eliminate the knee-jerk reaction we all have and which cause us to say “I’m black!” or “I’m white!” and to treat people based on their race. This is why treating people differently because of their race is the best way to not treat people differently based on their race.


  1. Gary

    Since white physically is a blending of all colors and black the absence of color, the Physics department might have some trouble with #3.

  2. Sheri

    Trump says Dodd-Frank is going. No one ever argued with Obama, so there’s no surprise there was little to no opposition. Had Hillary won, or if she steals the election through the Electoral College, it will be expanded, since no one will oppose her either.

    People pay to indoctrinate their kids through these universities. Obviously, parents believe their kids should be good little soldiers and tow the line, or I’d have to conclude the parents are idiots and that would be impolite. If parents want indoctrinated kids and pay for it, hey, that’s the way it goes. Alumni are obviously behind this too. Paying for indoctrination is just proof America can do Marxism better than Marx ever did.

    (As long as they don’t impliment “feminist snowplowing”, they might be okay.)

  3. Christian

    ‘denigration’ – I love it!

  4. MartyQ

    The only proper response is for absolutely no one to attend Eastern Michigan, or any other school that follows suit.

  5. Trigger Warnings

    Not to be gratuitously argumentative, Sheri, but I’d rework your sentence to say…

    People pay to indoctrinate other people’s kids through these universities…
    via loans that will never be repaid, grants, federal funding, state funding, etc etc etc.

  6. Will

    Folks, it’s systemic. From Kindergarten right up till graduation.

  7. Gary in Erko

    Black & White is so polarising.
    Universties should aim to turn out colourless graduates.

  8. I don’t recall, in my year in student government, having all that much sway over the school, and I worked hard to accomplish what I did, which was significant. Schools need to take charge of their environs. They should not be formally answering to whatever committee or frat or religious group, etc, outside the governance of the school. This story is about sloppy governance.

    That said, it’s all well and nice to do nice things for the minority kids, especially at a school like EMU, and teach diversity and all that (we are a very diverse nation with globally diverse interests), but it shouldn’t be decided as matters of demands. That is sloppy governance. Simply have a curriculum, you don’t need an addendum that looks like a war treaty.

    When I was working to get our school better accreditation, the students, and some of the teachers, lobbied hard for me to loosen up. I did not. We got great scholarship programs with a few of the best U’s in the state. The trade off? More education for those who need it. It’s as simple as that. Like everything else worth anything in America, it cost a little more, but it was worth it. Helping a good student get to Seton Hall? Help a struggling student get his AA, a better job and life. Too much focus on diversity, just like too much of anything else, is just distracting.


  9. Ray

    “All students will take a general course on race, ethnicity, and racism.”
    Well, I’m an engineer and had to take a calculus course my freshman year. I think all students should be required to take a general course on calculus.

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