Realistic Female Hero Novel

Realistic Female Hero Novel

Here is my new novel, in its entirety, a cynical attempt to cash in on the teen fiction phenomenon with its obligatory grrl power heroes, heroine being a dead word.

Qristol Vulva Manslayer hastily pondered the fork in the road, sweat causing the blue dye in her hair to leech onto her cool winged collar ($59.95, Sista Knitters, Etsy) which nicely framed her serious but cute face, knowing she had only moments to choose the right path to freedom before evil agents of Paytree Arc Corporation would be upon her to steal the long-awaited Proclamation Of Tolerance—which, when read to the People, would cause Paytree Arc to abandon its foul mission to forcibly enslave and impregnate the nation’s women—when she simultaneously spotted the longbow and a Paytree Arc Agent—six-foot-two at least, smokey eyes, bursting with muscles, an effortless stride and untamed beard, rugged, hard features, and a drawn sword—coming at her, a situation that ordinarily would not have defeated her, except she couldn’t pull back the bow (110 lb draw strength), a situation that led her to say, as her head separated from her shoulders, “What a man!

The End

I’m thinking of entering this in the 2019 Bulwer Lytton contest. What are your entries?

image source


  1. Shecky R

    I think you just broke the contest.

  2. The real world must be a very scary place for those who live in PC fantasy land.

    Lots of examples of would-be heroines playing super-hero, with predictable results, in the real world.

    Here’s one example. A female security guard, must have just come from a screening of GI Jane, asserts her authority:

  3. DAV

    Since the primary contest rule is to avoid the period, your novel (pun intended) sentence, apropos to the storyline, might be just the thing but, although there doesn’t seem to be any rule or guideline for selecting winners, I doubt your entry (assuming today’s blog post is your intended submission) would be among them as it rubs current social norms the wrong way.

    Hmm … try saying that in one breath. Maybe I’ll submit it as my entry. 🙂

    I think the world record for the longest run-on sentence was 23 pages describing the skyline of some city (Chicago or New York).

    The real world must be a very scary place for those who live in PC fantasy land.
    Not really. There’s lots of fun hunting down the dastardly misusers of pronouns then shaming them on Twitter and other superhero stuff.

  4. YOS,

    The videos are not pornographic, but they do show violence wreaked upon a would-be heroine, in the real world.

    You can view them by signing in to Youtube.

    For the one you did watch–and noted that it took 3 men to separate the criminal from the female cop–the point is that the female cop, in the real world, took on a criminal in a physical altercation, by herself.

    She evidently thought that either:
    1. she was capable of handling herself in a physical struggle with a very large criminal male high on PCP, or;
    2. that the very large criminal male high on PCP had recently received the same diversity training she took in her city police department, and that the criminal would respect their differences.

    Either way, she was wrong. Real world examples of heroines physically taking on bad guys. With realistically predictable results.

  5. Joy

    The whole thing’s mute. YOS is correct.
    Women have been in the police force for years, it’s the role that has changed. They go out as described in those videos. My colleague and friend was a policewoman from a time when all police had to be of a certain size. (Met. police) She was tall but very gentle mannered by anybody’s standard. Colleagues married to coppers and friends, different opinions. (different parts of police work require different types.)

    She used to be used by the force for dealing with difficult family situations and was also, despite what Kent says *ignoring the pop bit, for talking to angry aggressive characters, where the male coppers would tend to be an instant wind up, as is their reputation. It worked, they needed a result quickly, she did it by talking to them. Clearly not always going to work.

    The only catastrophe she had was parking a squad car on top of a mini! On the bonnet.
    She didn’t go to gaol either. Police are well insured.

    Anyone who hasn’t already, should try firing a long bow. It’s all in the technique.

    They are heavy but you don’t have to be Mr or Mrs universe, just ordinary fitness. If you’re not doing it correctly it is extremely heavy to pull. Scapular stability is the key, (lower trapezius and subscapularis) Just as you think the thing’s not going to move it does, far enough that you can let the arrow go. I speak as one who couldn’t even do press ups without training, even as a child gymnast.

    Does that spoil the novel?
    It ought to end with the hairy godfather being defeated by the real hero. Just before the whole motley crew wake up and smell the coffee.

  6. Hoyos

    Worst part is there are real female heroes (Violette Szabo leaps to my mind although she’s far from alone), but the girl power nonsense seems miles away from the actual brave women of history.

    The history of the saints includes a tremendous number of women with more faith and grit than can be imagined. I would love to see fictional and nonfictional representations that ring true, instead we’ve got women acting out an idiots idea of what being a strong man is like.

  7. sylvain

    @kent Clizbe

    A few thing:

    1-If the guy is black he has been shut long before he could have grabbed her hair
    2-there 4 or 5 other guy to grab that suspect so any guy would not had fair better than her.
    3-Maybe she learn the value of shorter hair

  8. Sander van der Wal

    The human on the right in the picture is a bloke, no?

  9. Real life female hero shot the armed intruder entering her church intending to kill her congregation.

  10. Michael Ozanne

    “Here’s one example. A female security guard, must have just come from a screening of GI Jane, asserts her authority:”

    Crash helmet girl needs to pay more attention in the Dojo… The Ko-Soto-Gari was too high on the leg, done without an adequate forward power curve, insufficient control of Uke’s balance and was performed with inadequate conviction. Likewise the attempted juji-gatame was badly done and put her into a poor tactical position she was fortunate to get out of. Luckily the mall-cop had the tactical capacity of a hamster…

  11. Kathleen Reeves

    A rather dark and gloomy plot, don’t you think?

  12. Michael Ozanne

    “A rather dark and gloomy plot, don’t you think?”

    It’s always going to be when the women are required to fight, it always means shit has gone south in a big way…. And it can never be a “fair fight”, presuming such a thing exists…

    “Paytree Arc Agent”

    Nancy wake would have walked past him dressed as a peasant girl and sent him to the showers with a Judo blow or a Fairbairn-Syles to the Vena Cava. Pearl-Witherington would have lured the enemy forces into dividing their forces, then ambushed them in detail. Lyudmila Pavlichenko would have put a crossbow bolt in the back of his skull. Hojo Masako would have taunted and cajoled two male heroes into killing our guy, sowed discord between them until they tried to kill each other, then whacked the loser. Dahomey Amazons would waste his ass with Winchester .44’s and laugh at his corpse for bringing a knife to a gunfight…

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