I Was Wrong: An Official Apology

I Was Wrong: An Official Apology

The Bishops in their safety-first, safety-last! wisdom—and there is no man wiser than a modern American Bishop—have banned the public from mass, and from the confessional. Unless the penitent is near death.

I am not. I am healthy, vigorous, and in the condition of full manliness.

The only danger I could conceivably face, now that all travel and movement outdoors has rightly been banned, is to accidentally swallow my fork as I shovel in another mountain of government-inspected Grade-A beef.

Which is wrong of me. Eating meat. I confess it. As I have to confess to you, all priests maintaining extreme social distances. Which is right and proper since none of us want to see anybody get sick, ever.

Eating meat was wrong because, although animals slaughter each other with gleeful abandon and slide each other raw down their red throats, I as a man should have known my doing the same hurt the animals’ feelings. There is no worse crime than to hurt anybody’s, or anything’s, feelings. I confess to not believing that before. Nothing but bread sticks and discarded plant matter ethically sourced from beaver dam tailings for me from now on.

So many errors have I made! Mea maxima culpa!

I now believe, as people have been insisting angrily, that if a man says he’s a woman, then, darn it, he’s a woman. What makes him a woman is his belief that he’s a woman. Asking for proof beyond his belief, beyond his flat insistence, is hurtful. The feelings I have hurt!

I used to insist that if the man was a man, then he was stuck with being a man, because no man can magically change his essence and become what he is not. I now see how wrong I was. Magic is real. It must be! Otherwise so many men wouldn’t be insisting they are really women. Who am I to doubt the obvious level of magical force surging across our land?

Even if I still did doubt that, as I used to in my sinful days, who can doubt the mighty amounts of moola raked in by medical professionals who certify the magic? There is no greater certification of TRUTH than amount of money spent. Boy, howdy, is it spent in keeping men believing they are really women. It therefore must be true.

My errors were not limited to disbelieving in magic. My sins are without number.

I used to say that because the models which predicted global warming were not skillful, that they therefore should not be believed. How wrong I was.

These models were written by experts—earnest experts, men smarter than I. Women, too! Maybe the women weren’t smarter than I, because come on. But the women got more grants than I ever did. Their money proves they were more earnest. And because they were more earnest than I, they were right, and I was wrong. The globe must therefore have already heated up past the myriad tipping points which have come and gone, and it’s only evil forces—of which I used to be a member—that are keeping this information from us.

I used to believe, and even say in public, acts which I now accept were to the detriment of others, that mere earnestness was not enough to prove anything. It is. Feelings are paramount. It is the lesson about trannies all over again. The stronger the feeling for a proposition, the more tears shed in its name, the louder it is screeched, especially by college students, the truer it is. This fact about the truth-power of earnestness must be so, else so many would not believe it.

I was only kidding about women above, a little joke, a jest left over from my sinful ways. Equality, which I used to say was a farce, and so stupid only a fool blinded by ideology could believe it, must be true. It is true that women are so equal to men that they are better.

If only I had the space to list all my crimes! Yet if I did, they would depress you beyond the capacity to go on living. Allow me to at least list the last one, the most current one.

The government was right and I was wrong. Millions in the USA would have died of coronavirus—millions! just as the expert models said—if were not for the actions of our most beneficent government.

I would not have know to wash my damned hands unless the government told me. How wrong I was to think I could have decided this for myself. How many lives did I put at risk by insisting on model accuracy? I confess everything.

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  1. Kathleen Reeves

    Briggs, you are a gem!

  2. Sheri

    “There is no greater certification of TRUTH than amount of money spent.” Wow, my graft-hound senator must be the most truthful on the planet, considering how much medical companies spend on him and his pet projects. He’s running neck in neck with LBJ for the most money in garnered in the shortest time.

    “I would not have know to wash my damned hands unless the government told me.” Sadly, that one is true. That’s why they have all those INSTRUCTIONS in restrooms for the staff on how to wash hands. These people work in GROCERY stores, etc. People are pigs, and not just in third world hellholes. I threatened to rub my neice’s sandwich on the dog if she kept petting the dog and not washing her hands before eating. People kiss their stupid pets. Share ice cream (and the have the audacity to blame the Chinese for eating freshly-killed bats. At least they know their food isn’t grown in cello wrap and comes from a supermarket.) As I have said, we live in the Dark Ages. I am a champion handwasher and always have been, but having understood germs and viruses since I was in elementary school, my behavior is actually based on science, not just “feels” or “convenience”. I am probably a heretic and a proud one at that.

    Anyway, since I identify as a unicorn fairy prince, I have to get back to my kingdom. If you dare question this, you’ll understand what that horn is for. Unicorn fairy princes don’t confess their sins, they remove accusers from the equation.

  3. DAV

    Being cooped up leads to cabin fever.

  4. Apology accepted. It takes a lot of courage to do that! Although you’re probably a lot less guilty than your faith makes you feel!


    The Corbett Report
    “What’s up the the Italian Mortality Rate?”

    Tom from Scotland asks about the mortality rate of Covid-19, and why it is reportedly so much higher in Italy. James answers with an in-depth look at the numbers, how they’re being reported, and what’s being left out from the equation.


  5. Ken

    Re ‘if a man says he’s a woman, the darn it, he is’

    Some drug TV commercial for a drug for PREP (so high risk hedonistic behavior is less likely to result in aids or similar) has an actor noting that the drug works better in those who ‘were assigned male at birth.’

    The drug works in relation to objective biology. Better in Male genes/genetics. Chromosomes dictate. But subjectivity is now applicable, in that subcultures mind, to objective chemistry/biochemical interactions.

    That kind of distancing from reality is insane.

  6. This is yet another example of honest and honorable men being pretty bad at parody. You cannot really parodize the type you want to parodize because you have a firm backbone and they do not. You talk like a honest man where yes is yes and no is no and everything else is of the Devil, thus you cannot imitate and parodize the snot-backbone types who are able to weasel a zillion opinions between not quite yes and not quite no.

  7. JTLiuzza

    Excellent except you forgot to begin with “bless me mother for I have sinned.”

    And now make your good act of contrition…

  8. Chad Jessup

    I am a Vietnam veteran. All of us in the military took an oath to uphold and protect the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic.

    Some turn of events – if we as a people do not prevail against the current unconstitutional measures, then the Communists not only beat us in Vietnam, they will have won here also with the aid of their domestic allies.

    If people want to get scared by the mass media misinformation campaign and get their collective panties in a wad, that is their right, but trampling on the Constitution is an egregious matter.

  9. Mocheirge

    Excellent except you forgot to begin with “bless me mother for I have sinned.”

    You transphobe. It should be “bless me parent #1 for I have sinned.”

  10. F4F111Col

    Briggs: You will be receiving a bill for a new HD monitor from me. This morning’s coffee terminated my existing one when spat out at your humor. Besides, don’t you need a government license to be funny anyway? I doubt you have one.

  11. Skepticus

    “no man can magically change his essence and become what he is not”

    According to the Standard Model, a “man” is a heap of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, interacting via Photons. This heap is multiply organized into aggregations on an ascending scale of organization, Atoms, Molecules, Organelles, Cells, Clonal Clusters of Cells, Tissues, Organs and other Body Parts ultimately forming in their organized collection, a Body. These Bodies are many, and may be distinguished from one another by their locations (thanks to the Pauli Exclusion Principle and the fact that Protons, Neutrons and Electrons are Fermions these bodies cannot exist in the same place at the same time), their masses (some contain more Protons, Neutrons and Electrons than others), and their shapes (some have “innie” navels and some have “outie” navels, some have molecules with one shape, some have molecules with another). Your claim, quoted above, seems to assume that the shapes into which the Protons, Neutrons and Electrons are assembled in a Body, or the numbers in which they are present in a Body, gives rise to, or perhaps constitutes, a distinction in “essence”. Can you say what this “essence” is with reference to the available grounds of distinction?

  12. 1 – I’m guilty too – speaking of which I identify as an overpaid civil servant but, so far, government refuses to send me a check. That’s so unfair..

    2 – re: Kent Clizbe “What’s up the the Italian Mortality Rate?”
    I don’t know what Italy does, but here in Canada I expect significant exaggeration of covid-19 deaths (and the corresponding decrease in flu deaths reported in Italy) because socialized health care virtually demands program funding – and program funding creates compelling financial incentives to diagnose patients as having whatever is being funded on an emergency or ad hoc basis.

  13. An excellent overview of “Just Facts” on C19:


    “Numbers of Deaths
    A total of 2,860 U.S. residents have died from Covid-19 as of 4:00 PM on March 30, 2020. To put this figure in perspective:
    “… roughly 12,469 people in the U.S. died from the swine flu from April 12, 2009 to April 10, 2010. Unlike Covid-19, which mainly kills older people with preexisting health problems, 87% of people killed by the swine flu were under the age of 65.
    an average of 37,000 people in the U.S. have died from influenza (“the flu”) each year over the past nine years.
    around 170,000 people per year in the U.S. die from accidents.

    “In other words, deaths from Covid-19 are now 1.4% of the annual fatalities from the flu and accidents. Although Covid-19 is a new disease and took its first reported life in the U.S. during late February, this comparison may substantially overstate the relative deadliness of Covid-19 because fatalities from accidents and the flu occur in droves every year, and this is unlikely for Covid-19.”

  14. Fredo

    Re: “What’s up with the the Italian Mortality Rate?”
    Lone voice in the wilderness, this sort of intelligent balanced
    commentary could kill a lot of people and just won’t sell newspapers.
    Youfuked: Soon this sort of wild-eyed speculation will be canceled for the
    greater good of the impoverished masses unable to think for themselves
    much less properly fit face masks. Which we don’t have anyway. How
    convenient is that to panic the herd?

  15. Kalif

    ‘A total of 2,860 U.S. residents have died from Covid-19 as of 4:00 PM on March 30, 2020.’
    You do realize that you are citing the deaths from the last 3-4 weeks and comparing them to the ‘annual’ swine flu or whatever? Why don’t we wait till the ‘season’ is over to add it all up?
    Weekly reports is what you need now, not annual.

    Imagine if the annual precipitation at the place you live, happened all in one afternoon. You’d drown. Spread over a year, you’re just fine.

  16. Kalif

    Just look at the first two points from the link you attached:
    1. The death rate for people who contract Covid-19 is uncertain but is probably closer to that of the seasonal flu than figures commonly reported by the press.

    -May be true, but it’s hardly a comforting fact. Common flu won’t go on vacation and wait for COVID. They come together and that is the problem.

    2. The average years of life lost from each Covid-19 death are significantly fewer than common causes of untimely death like accidents and suicides.

    -Again this is ON TOP of all that’s mentioned, and spread over a year. Accidents may go down a bit, due to less traffic, but the whole point is that COVID comes at once, in a short time-frame, on top of all the misery that’s been there all along, year after year (accidents, suicides, flu, etc.)

  17. John B()

    Isn’t it called Trannysubstantiation? [Sorry, sorry, sorry]

  18. C-Marie

    Dear Matt,
    It was fun to read, but it would be not a good if you stopped writing as you have been writing.
    The loss would be tremendous. I am sure that you will continue on as you have been doing.
    As to Italy’s figures, on tv tonight it was announced that Italy is going to reclassify many of the covid-19 deaths as they were classified incorrectly.
    Always we must remember that one’s desires or desire to identify in a certain way, do not equal rights nor make a right to have one’s desires to be proclaimed real and legal.
    Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The cost to maintain the truth can be very costly. It was for Him.
    When the people who desire to live fantasies are in power, the people who live the Truth had best count the cost as Jesus said for us to do. And if we hang in there in and with Him, He wins in us and we win in Him.
    God bless, C-Marie

  19. Uncle Mike

    Banning the sacraments? The bishops? Maybe they should ban the sins they habitually commit.

    I hear your confession, brother, and although I’m not officially consecrated, I absolve you in His name. For your penance you must drink green tea.

    Why? The way hydroxychloroquine works is that it is an ionophore: it changes the pH of liposome walls allowing Zn+ ions to enter. The Zn+ interferes with the RNA polymerase of the ChiCom virus preventing its replication.

    But if you don’t have HCQ, another ionophore is quercetin which naturally occurs in green tea.


    So a cup of green tea or better yet, green tea extract, plus a vitamin pill (or two) with zinc may be a prophylactic for the virus. Worth a shot, anyway. Drink green tea and go in peace, brother.

  20. Soul Pangolin

    Statistician to the stars didn’t keep you from spreading a lot of dangerous disinformation or keep you from being wrong. Your apology seems spattered with sarcasm., perhaps I misunderstand that it is sarcasm, and there is no apology….

    Written chatter in this day and age of people who like to profess their expertise for things that they are not. “I go by my gut intuition, not science, not experts”

    Please, brothers and sisters, let us throw up our hands, do not think, do not rely on those that do, just pray. Did not God give us a brain to use, oh and Fox News?

    Which “Stars” do you refer to and what makes that claim have any more validity than statistician to the “rocks”. Mislead the naive it does. Doctor the stars, esthetician to the stars, launder to the stars. What does that mean…..”What, *you* don’t know.” And during a made up Pandemic.

    Apparently, what we all should have done is not followed the advise of experts and simply let this fictitious crisis run its course so we all could see whether the deaths equaled the predictions, or equaled the number of deaths attributed to drug abuse, smoking, gun violence, the flu, old age, God’s damnation of homosexuals, transsexuals, or non believers, masterbation, choking on lies, stupidly, etc.

    Let’s not think about personal responsibility which can increase the risk factors leading to death in the above behaviors and let us also forget that the very people on the front line of saving these people, DOCTORS AND NURSES, did not participate in risky behaviors and are now putting their lives on the line to save these none believers…you none believers in anything. “Believing in anything equates to believing and believing can lead to being fooled” Very sound logic. This is very smart.

    Oh, people will believe what they want to believe and some do not even understand that critical thinking skills can be a part of how natural selection occurs. I think some call it, “The Darwin Awards”

    I feel seriously conflicted for the health care professionals whose lives are on the line.

    Wow, there are a lot of out of work actors in every nation playing the part of sick and dying people…what a great conspiracy and amazing how it is kept SECRET. SHISSSHHH!



  21. John Not Real Name

    What the @~?£ is wrong with this comments page?

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