We Will Never Really Know What 95 F Feels Like

We Will Never Really Know What 95 F Feels Like

Headline: “Newark, New Jersey, set a record at 102 degrees with a feels like temperature of 109 degrees.”

Thus are Newarkians (Newarkers?) denied the opportunity of knowing what a temperature of 102 really is.

Headline: “Temperatures reached 90 degrees on Sunday and will stick to the 90s through Wednesday. The heat index is a feels-like temperature which incorporates the level of humidity with the temperature. Heat indices Monday, Tuesday and even Wednesday will reach near 100 degrees.”

The poor folk of Massachusetts will not learn what the 90s truly are.

Headline: “Temp Could Feel Like 104 Tuesday, Wednesday…The high on both Tuesday and Wednesday was forecast to be 94.”

Hellertown residents will forever seek the essence of 94, which will ever evade them. They will feel something else instead.

Headline: “Temperatures will feel more than 100 degrees in parts of Maine”, yet temperatures will “rise into the 90s at most locations”.

No matter where you go, you have, it seems, no opportunity of experiencing the temperature as she really is. She is always producing feelings of something other than what she is. This, our glorious media, assures us is true.

If it’s 90, it feels like 95. If it’s 95, it feels like 100. If it’s 100, it feels like 106. This is what they always report.

This happens in the winter, too. If it’s 40, it feels like 30, they say. If it’s 30, it feels like 10. If it’s 10, it feels like -8.

It is never what it is. Therefore, the only possible conclusion is that temperature is fundamental mysterious, like the Trinity. We can only come at from angles, never reaching the destination. The true nature of temperature is forever receding from our grasp.

This is easy to prove. Again, if it’s 95, it feels like 100. But how do they know what 100 feels like? Because once 100 is reached, it feels like 106.

And then they say that when it’s 106, it feels like 115. Yet when you get to 115, it feels like something even hotter. It never stops.

Same thing going the other way. When it’s 40, again, they say it feels like 30. But how can anybody know what 30 really is because when it gets there, it feels like 10? And so on and so on.

There is no ground, no basis!

You know this is true. This is why, in the history of the media, we have never, not ever, heard or seen a report like this: “It is 70 today, and feels like it.”

Temperature is a bluff. It is a lie. It is a full fledged media conspiracy. We should therefore not only be climate deniers, for climate is merely averaged temperatures, but we should be temperature deniers, too.

All is subjective. We are all idealist nomialists now. There is no such thing as temperature.

Have a good Fourth, everybody!

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  1. Dean Ericson

    ”There is no such thing as temperature.”

    Well alright, that’s your truth. I’m okay you’re okay.

  2. Sheri

    Cute, but totally inaccurate. There are many days where the heat index and wind chill index have ZERO effect on temperature because there is no wind and/or the humidity is in “normal” range. Heat index starts at 80F and 40% humidity. Wind chill starts at 40F or less and 5 mph wind. So, all you have to do is jump in your fossil fuel powered car and drive to somewhere these conditions do not exist to find the “real” temperature.

    Wyoming rarely has a heat index rating but we knock ’em dead with wind chills. Also, during the dust bowl, it seems unlikely conditions ever existed for such a “heat index” rating, though many, many people succumbed to the heat (no fossil fuel powered air conditioning, among other things).

    Then there’s the highly confusing wet bulb vs dry bulb and what temperature you will die at in either reading. I never can remember which is what and when I am supposed to have found myself in an “unsurvivable temperature”. Add to that °C, which sounds cooler because it’s a lower number, vs °F which at 100+ sounds very hot, and who knows?

    Let’s just go back to “It’s really hot today” and leave out all the fancy labels. Actually, the weather guy should say “I think it’s very hot today” since some people like it hotter than others. Or just go by those giant sweat stains on people’s shirts as a measure of hot and get over all the rest of the nonsense.

  3. Shecky R

    sort of like, no such thing as miracles; it’s all just smoke & mirrors… and wild imagination!

  4. Mocheirge

    This article is transtemperaphobic. How dare you claim that a 95° temperature can’t be 105°. Just how do you know what 95° feels like? Your whiteness is showing.

  5. Amateur Brain Surgeon

    It may feel like 95 degrees to a man whose face is five feet above the ground but what about the poor Lollipop kids to say nothing about Og, the last known giant?

    If we are going to be told what the temperatures of the day “really” feel like, shouldn’t the National Institute of Standards and Technology recommend to the National Weather Service that all of the weathermen (no, not them) on TV have a face that is five feet off the ground?

    Enjoy the long weekend.

  6. Dan D

    My locale climate identifies as Celsius…even though we all know the truth.

    Apparently, if you “feel” like something, you are something.

  7. Jerry

    Weather reporting is an entertainment industry now. Sadly, in practical terms it is no more accurate today than it was 20, 40 years ago.
    Named storms used to mean something. You knew they were something special. Now it seems that they have names for occasional showers and of course, it spread into winter as well.

    No, they can’t just give the temperature, they have to do something to demonstrate their super scientific knowledge, and by extension, their control. Small wonder that I can’t recall ever seeing a conservative weatherman. Yes, I said WEATHERMAN.

  8. BDavi52

    Summarized most effectively by the idiots at Pomona, back in 2017:

    “Your statement contains unnuanced views surrounding the (temperature) and a belief in searching for some venerated truth. Historically, white supremacy has venerated the idea of objectivity, and wielded a dichotomy of ‘subjectivity vs. objectivity’ as a means of silencing oppressed peoples. The idea that there is a single truth–’the Truth’–is a construct of the Euro-West that is deeply rooted in the Enlightenment, which was a movement that also described Black and Brown people as both subhuman and impervious to pain. This construction is a myth and white supremacy, imperialism, colonization, capitalism, and the United States of America are all of its progeny. The idea that the truth is an entity for which we must search, in matters that endanger our abilities to exist in open spaces, is an attempt to silence oppressed peoples. We, Black students, exist with a myriad of different identities. We are queer, trans, differently-abled, poor/low-income, undocumented, Muslim, first-generation and/or immigrant, and positioned in different spaces across Africa and the African diaspora. The idea that we must subject ourselves routinely to the hate speech of fascists who want for us not to exist plays on the same Eurocentric constructs that believed Black people to be impervious to pain and apathetic to the brutal and violent conditions of white supremacy.”

    So there!
    Of course they said this in response to their President’s plea for free speech….but certainly their brilliant insights apply equally well to thermometer readings!

  9. Yancey Ward

    I check the weather here in Oak Ridge, TN every day before I go out on Weather.com. Every single day during the Summer, the “Feels Like” number is higher than the actual measured temperature. This is true right now as I write this on just about the least humid day in July we ever get here- 84 instead of 81.

  10. Russell Haley

    The temperature of the air can be measured. The measurement of air temperature will be accurate if the same thermistors are used in different locations around the world. Air temperature is not the only factor that can affect the heat gain or loss in a human body when exposed to the environment. This is also a well understood fact. Various levels of wind, humidity or other environmental factors (pressure, direct sunlight, etc) can affect the human body.

    Facts, however, are anathema to modern corporations. They are difficult to manipulate (compared to lies or hearsay) and the average person has no understanding of how to apply them. Wunderground or any of the other left wing weather networks (are there any right leaning ones?) do not want to discuss facts, they want to *influence* opinions.

    Therefore, instead of saying science-y stuff like wind chill could lower a humans ability to retain heat by as much as X%, they use the age-old fudge word “feel”, and apply absolutes (will cause 3 degree drop in ‘temperature’) which are completely arbitrary and *obfuscates the actual meaning of temperature*. The weather networks can thus manipulate the “Feels” index in whichever way they desire and are not held to any reporting standard because the calculation is “proprietary” and reported vis-a-vis the “real” index, thus eliminating any liability for the lie that is the “Feels” index.

    Just ask yourself: If the “feels” index is based on a wind chill and the wind stops or I am protected from said wind, is the temperature still the “feels” index? Obviously not. SO, they use a proprietary, arbitrary index to influence your opinion.

    I predict that years from now when they report on the “heat wave” during 2021, they will not report the real index, they will report the “Feels” index and use that as proof that the temperature spike was caused by global warming.

    I have no issue with wanting to have accurate understanding of environmental experience. Three degrees can make a big difference in experience. It’s the wiggle words and half truths masquerading as science that are really disturbing. Temperature and feelings are not the same thing and conflating them together is disingenuous.

  11. Dave

    Temperature is real. RealFeel temperature is fake, though I assume it matches actual temperature in the shade, with no wind and low humidity.

    “Wind chill” is fake too — someone worked it out by sticking a thermometer in a bottle of warm water, wrapping a piece of cloth around it, and measuring how fast it cooled at various temperatures and wind speeds.

  12. Milton Hathaway

    When I was a kid, I thought they were saying “windshield factor”. I remember this because the moment the truth was revealed to me was embarrassing. So, of course, when the windshield wipers weren’t doing their job in the winter and the kids were in the car, I would say “must be the windshield factor”. (I had a number of these, like “kids, quick, look out the window, we are going over donot pass”, or “it’s ok to throw out your trash at the fine for littering sign, but no place else”. ) That’s what good parenting is, sharing future embarrassments with your kids.

  13. vince

    Caution: Deer Crossing
    never saw them use it, day or night, not even once
    maybe they moved

  14. Schrodinger’s Temperature? It is either 95 or feels like 102. You can’t be sure until you open the front door and the waveform collapses.

    Heisenberg’s Uncertain Temperature Principle? You can either know the temperature or feel the temperature but not both as measuring the temperature affects the feeling and vice versa.

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