The day we have all been waiting for has finally arrived. The famed United States Army will allow men to wear lipstick and nail polish.
But only if they also wear a dress.
Or have a butcher saw off their pertinents. Or a quack prescribe them a set of powerful delusion-confirming pills.
Small prices to pay, you might say, in order to match shade of lip to weapon of the day. Or to find a paint that won’t chip during Grenade Throwing Hour.
Not much a price, either, since Uncle Sam will pay the bill for these services. And pay gladly.
If you’re smiling, then smile harder, because there’s even more good news. Women will be allowed to join the altered men! Yes. They also can wear lipstick, nail polish, and, you guessed it, hair braids, twists, and locs, too.
It gets even better. Marie Claire reports “breastfeeding or pumping soldiers are now permitted to wearing undershirts to better accommodate their needs”.
All those swollen-chested women jumping into combat, their babies strapped to their military-grade back carriers, can rest assured their blouses won’t stain with milk. Fantastic.
Why, you are surely asking, is the Army being so wonderful? I’ll tell you. Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity. DIE. The Army wants more DIE. Long specialists in DIE, but knowing they have not been DIEing as well as they could, they pledge to DIE harder in the future.
In their own words, the Army is “revising its grooming standards to support its People First priority and” its DIE efforts.
People first! A nice, soft way forward. DIE not directed outward, but inward.
Before we push on. Not all men who want to wear nail polish must undergo surgery or pillification. They can opt for—and this is true—clear nail polish instead. That’s true DIE committment.
This brings us to the lady “whistle blower” who quit the Air Force commando training course because, she said, the Army let the ladies slide by with lower standards. The Air Force Times reports:
Multiple documents obtained by Air Force Times — including performance forms, score charts and a report the woman authored shortly after dropping out of a land navigation event — illustrate how she was allowed to return to training after she quit, and how physical training metrics were lowered just as she arrived at a challenging schoolhouse last spring.
Many are dunking on this, but there are two excellent reasons not to.
First, women have always got away with lowered standards in the military. I have seen it myself with my very own unbiased eyes. Why complain now? They’re just getting away with at higher rates, and with ever-lowering standards.
Second, there is no way, no way at all, to achieve full DIE without lowering standards. If the military is truly committed to DIE, they must drop standards far below what they have now; indeed, far lower than any other military has or will.
And the military is indeed fully committed to DIE. The Pentagon itself says DIE “should be a part of all military decisions”.
All is a strong word, sisters and brothers. Those who use it should be committed. And the brass who say men are women, and women men, should be committed.
And are! Apparently there is a committed person named Bishop Garrison, who is “the senior advisor to the secretary of defense for human capital” and DIE. Human capital. And DIE.
“I would hope that as many leaders and members of the total force as possible see [DIE] efforts as a force multiplier,” he said.
I agree. They are. I have long said that a brigade of men in dresses (now allowed lipstick) charging in attack formation would be a horrible sight, sure to strike terror into enemies. The Gay Is Coming For You. Who could stand against DIE?
This is happening at all levels. “Garrison noted that the number of minorities drops as soldiers rise through the ranks of military service.”
In the olden days, only the fittest and smartest would rise to the top. This created terrible disparities. Too many white men at the pinnacle. Pure white supremacy. Luckily, this can be fixed by DIE. And by removing fitness and intelligence standards and instituting DIE quotas.
What about those stubborn souls who still heed Reality? Purge them.
[T]he Pentagon announced that it will “continuously” trawl member’s social media for “extremist and concerning behavior” to fight the threat of extremism in the armed forces, with Garrison leading the charge.
Leading the charge. Now with matching lipstick and nails.
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