Great News: Army Will Now Allow Men To Wear Lipstick, Nail Polish

Great News: Army Will Now Allow Men To Wear Lipstick, Nail Polish

The day we have all been waiting for has finally arrived. The famed United States Army will allow men to wear lipstick and nail polish.

But only if they also wear a dress.

Or have a butcher saw off their pertinents. Or a quack prescribe them a set of powerful delusion-confirming pills.

Small prices to pay, you might say, in order to match shade of lip to weapon of the day. Or to find a paint that won’t chip during Grenade Throwing Hour.

Not much a price, either, since Uncle Sam will pay the bill for these services. And pay gladly.

If you’re smiling, then smile harder, because there’s even more good news. Women will be allowed to join the altered men! Yes. They also can wear lipstick, nail polish, and, you guessed it, hair braids, twists, and locs, too.

It gets even better. Marie Claire reports “breastfeeding or pumping soldiers are now permitted to wearing undershirts to better accommodate their needs”.

All those swollen-chested women jumping into combat, their babies strapped to their military-grade back carriers, can rest assured their blouses won’t stain with milk. Fantastic.

Why, you are surely asking, is the Army being so wonderful? I’ll tell you. Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity. DIE. The Army wants more DIE. Long specialists in DIE, but knowing they have not been DIEing as well as they could, they pledge to DIE harder in the future.

In their own words, the Army is “revising its grooming standards to support its People First priority and” its DIE efforts.

People first! A nice, soft way forward. DIE not directed outward, but inward.

Before we push on. Not all men who want to wear nail polish must undergo surgery or pillification. They can opt for—and this is true—clear nail polish instead. That’s true DIE committment.

This brings us to the lady “whistle blower” who quit the Air Force commando training course because, she said, the Army let the ladies slide by with lower standards. The Air Force Times reports:

Multiple documents obtained by Air Force Times — including performance forms, score charts and a report the woman authored shortly after dropping out of a land navigation event — illustrate how she was allowed to return to training after she quit, and how physical training metrics were lowered just as she arrived at a challenging schoolhouse last spring.

Many are dunking on this, but there are two excellent reasons not to.

First, women have always got away with lowered standards in the military. I have seen it myself with my very own unbiased eyes. Why complain now? They’re just getting away with at higher rates, and with ever-lowering standards.

Second, there is no way, no way at all, to achieve full DIE without lowering standards. If the military is truly committed to DIE, they must drop standards far below what they have now; indeed, far lower than any other military has or will.

And the military is indeed fully committed to DIE. The Pentagon itself says DIE “should be a part of all military decisions”.

All is a strong word, sisters and brothers. Those who use it should be committed. And the brass who say men are women, and women men, should be committed.

And are! Apparently there is a committed person named Bishop Garrison, who is “the senior advisor to the secretary of defense for human capital” and DIE. Human capital. And DIE.

“I would hope that as many leaders and members of the total force as possible see [DIE] efforts as a force multiplier,” he said.

I agree. They are. I have long said that a brigade of men in dresses (now allowed lipstick) charging in attack formation would be a horrible sight, sure to strike terror into enemies. The Gay Is Coming For You. Who could stand against DIE?

This is happening at all levels. “Garrison noted that the number of minorities drops as soldiers rise through the ranks of military service.”

In the olden days, only the fittest and smartest would rise to the top. This created terrible disparities. Too many white men at the pinnacle. Pure white supremacy. Luckily, this can be fixed by DIE. And by removing fitness and intelligence standards and instituting DIE quotas.

What about those stubborn souls who still heed Reality? Purge them.

[T]he Pentagon announced that it will “continuously” trawl member’s social media for “extremist and concerning behavior” to fight the threat of extremism in the armed forces, with Garrison leading the charge.

Leading the charge. Now with matching lipstick and nails.

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  1. Jan Van Betsuni

    General George S. Patton once remarked: “The object of war is not to DIE for your country but to make the other (poor) bastard DIE for his.” Clearly this notion is no longer politically correct.

  2. awildgoose

    DIE is fast becoming part of decision making in every organization, not just the military.

    There is a pyramid, or totem pole of the oppresed they use for that.

  3. Robin

    And Biden has reportedly requested a $70 billion increase in the Pentagon budget.

  4. You laugh (to avoid the tears), but perhaps we can create a modern-day revival of the Sacred Band of Thebes.

  5. My son is in the Army now. Blacks, queers, and women now rule over the officers and NCOs through separate (but more powerful and untouchable) “chains of concern”. Meanwhile, a significant fraction of young men in the service have died due to the mandatory clot shots.

    Allowing women into the armed services was an act of war by our internal enemies.

  6. Gail Finke

    As a woman, I have no problem with lower physical standards in the military IF the women are given jobs that do not require higher physical standards. Yes, I am in favor of TIERS of standards and service. If it’s a good idea to have women, then what those women are expected to do should be RATIONAL. If they are expected to be in combat roles, then no physical standards should ever be relaxed — for the good of all.
    This should not have to be said but, sadly, common sense is nowhere in evidence. If it were, our military would handle men and women very differently. And both men who think they are women and women who think they are men would be discharged.

  7. patrick healy

    Hey Professor,
    You have not lived until you see a full regiment of the Black Watch (they have not changed their name – yet!),
    dressed in dresses (kilts) charging down a Scottish mountain to attack the hated English – and with bagpipes swirling!
    Come on man!

  8. Rudolph Harrier

    It is difficult to dispute the idea that we are a conquered nation.

  9. Hagfish Bagpipe

    …”and with bagpipes swirling!”

    And with hagfishes hurling!

  10. brad tittle

    @Gail Finke — Every rational leader I have talked to in the military reflects your sentiment. They also try to point at a slightly different side. In Iraq and Afghanistan, the side was called “sand relationships”. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has feedback loops in the brain of all humans (likely a significant portion of the animal kingdom) that “CAUSE” (FMFFIHS) men and women to partner up. In partnering up, they start defending their partner. When they partner up, the body count in the field starts to get “murky”. (suddenly between a set of partners, there are 3 or 4 genetic setups).

    One of the many headaches leaders had to deal with was the appearance of the extra genetics in the field. If you are on a submarine, lurking off the coast of the Soviet Union, calling in a helicopter to extricate extra genetics is highly non optimal to the mission.

    FI. Men and women when left alone will start enjoying each other in ways that lead to babies. Alone CAN be a pup tent in the midst of 100 other pup tents.

    Want to make command and control interesting? Make a soldier have to manage the “Follow legal orders” vs “Keep my significant other (possibly of the moment) and potential child” safe conundrum.

    God bless all women who want to be soldiers. I just hope they realize they have to manage the conundrum also. There are so many when it comes to the creation of the next generation. There has to be a next generation. If there is not, well, that ends the story doesn’t it.

    Each of us is our own story. Each of our genetic lines IS the story.

    If your community has 700 people in it, do you need to worry about the consequences of homosexuality on your communities ability to survive? (If you aren’t worried, you haven’t paid much attention).

    If your community is 70,000, you better still worry a little.

    If your community is 7,000,000,000, maybe you don’t have to worry.

    What size is your community? (@Gail, this is generic, not meant to be point at you, I think you know, I think most people who land on this site know, except for a couple).

    There are way too many people whose community is 1. A father who is not worried about his son being gay IS genetically deficient. Genes that are not worried about the continuation of their own line are TERRIBLE genes to have. They might be rational genes. Rational MIGHT be good. But as a base instinct, it is unbelievably idiotic.

    So we dance. And the military lets in folks who are confused because it is “rational”. It is rational. At the same time, that rationality completely ignores the fundamentals

  11. Johnno


    More pike… NAIL & TOE!

    Amirite, ladies?

    I imagine that these further pushes into fashion and accessories and fake nails to be included in emergency medical kits (we can always remove some bandages to make room), are necessitated by internal panic by Experts that their recruitment numbers are waaaaay down, with quitting up, vexxine injuries and deaths risung, and a not insignificant number being fired and let go for being homo-a-la-phones and trans-a-ma-phonics.

    DIE has actually led to less recruitment. It turns out that the only warrioring that the fish-trumpets out there are willing to do is with a keyboard on the internet. And they are way below standards for that too!

    What an utterly useless generation, the sort that absolutely deserves the war that is coming for them. Is their plan to hide behind all the white supremacists and their black-face counterparts? We know these run away because they can’t bear to be confronted by their own fak-chak! They going to yell all their liberal buzzwords like Racism etc. at a foreign battallion soldier with a gun at the back of their kneeling head who doesn’t understand their language? They going to throw a print-out of a Politifact article at the enemy that describes their actions with a big cartoon meter that says FALSE OR MISLEADING? Is that the plan?

  12. Joy

    To Patrick Healy:

    In case you or Briggs were in any doubt?
    I worked with the Scotts guards and they were proud of our UK.
    Derby matches or fights, notwithstanding!

  13. BDavi52

    So what’s the big deal?
    I mean should our military’s Number One Priority be winning wars? OR — do I really need to ask — being “People First”? Being welcoming and inclusive to such an extent that our armed forces — even from a distance — can be seen as being super Diverse!

    Can’t carry a weapon? No problem. The Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines — they all have a place for you. Struggle running a mile (half-mile, quarter-mile)? No worries. That’s a silly-ass, old-white-guy requirement that discriminated against those who were physically challenged. We will give you a motorized cart, like the kind provided at your local HyVee (though ours are camo’d!). Hate violence? Heck, the Pentagon does too. Violence, we have come to believe, is the last refuge of the incompetent and UnWoke. We expect our soldiers to become social justice ambassadors, carrying treat sacks with all-organic yogurts and granola bars. You catch more flies with Smoothies than grenades!

    This is the way the world ends; this is the way the world ends; this is the way the world ends; not with a bang but with an all-inclusive whimper.

  14. Marshal Williams

    Hahahahahahahaha! I laughed so hard about this that I started to lactate. So, where does a lactating chap get a shirt to accommodate his needs? I’ve also developed a irrational rage towards people who object to breastfeeding in public.

  15. BDavi52

    Incitadus — GREAT link; thanks!

  16. Lumen Praetorius

    Guaranteed we will lose the next war.

  17. jordan

    According to MASH they always did, but only AFTER depmoyment. Lol.

  18. Forbes

    All government is just an extended social welfare program–paychecks for a warm body showing up at an employment site. Soon (if not already), you can “work” from home with electronic transfer to your account without being present “at” your job. (This appears to have occurred during the recent SARS-2 lockdowns.)

  19. DAS

    “In Haig’s presence, Kissinger referred pointedly to military men as ‘dumb, stupid animals’ to be used as pawns for foreign policy. Kissinger often took up a post outside the doorway to Haig’s office and dressed him down in front of the secretaries for alleged acts of incompetence with which Haig was not even remotely involved.”

    – The Final Days (Woodward & Bernstein), p. 194

    While I do not regard all military personnel as “stupid”, in the post-world war 2 era they have indeed been used as pawns by politicians & corporations for things that have nothing to do with national security. In his farewell address, Eisenhower famously warned that – having converted a large segment of the economy to weapons production, the politicians would need to instigate perpetual wars for profit to sustain that economy, because we now have a vast labor constituency that depends on the state for continued employment.

    Of the 36 foreign invasions that followed world war 2, not one has been justifiable in terms of U.S. national defense. If people join the military with the expectation of losing life or limb for the sake of enriching these war profiteers, they could be regarded as stupid, and natural selection will run its course.

  20. miller

    Finally, we can start winning some wars.

  21. Russell Haley

    Sooo, laughing about this is a bad idea. WHY would they insist on “lowering” standards of warfare? The answer is they would not, the military is not stupid. What is really happening is they want to divest power from white males. This is because humans will not be fighting wars for too much longer. Within 10 years, the majority of violence will be carried out by machines. Those machines are just as deadly if it’s a woman, man or purple haired unicorn sitting behind the controls. And we all know who is considered the *real* enemy in the US: the same white males that control the military power. Divest them of their control on the violence machines and the final solution that is being proposed is much, much easier.

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