Top Ten Fireworks Tips from the Cult of Safety First!

Top Ten Fireworks Tips from the Cult of Safety First!

Happy Fourth of July!

Here are your Cult of Safety First! tips for blowing off fireworks.

1. Take plenty of matches: propane blowtorches are ideal.

2. Hurl the bottle rocket at your victim just before the fuse hits the fuselage. If you merely aim it from a bottle, it won’t hit with sufficient force. Practice until you time the bang and impact perfectly.

3. Firecrackers under occupied chairs is a classic. But don’t be an amateur. Wait until your victim has a full drink.

4. Launch your attacks from behind a screen of smoke bombs. Blue smoke is the most beguiling.

5. Roman candle tag never grows old. Use two to develop a devastating crossfire.

6. Have plenty of beer on hand. Use anything with “Bud”, “Light”, “Lite”, “Session” or “Milwaukee” on the can to douse any hair that flames up.

7. Spent sparklers make excellent hotfoots.

8. Anybody who announces their pronouns is fair game.

9. “Hold this.”

10. Read this list to your wife or mother using a serious tone and while checking your stock and the workings of your lighter.

Have fun!

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  1. Michael DeLong

    Great advice, it had me rolling!?????

  2. Michael DeLong

    Great advice, it had me rolling!?????

  3. Hagfish Bagpipe

    Ha-ha! — what a blast! Hey, hold my beer…. watch this… [sticks rocket in mouth like cigar, lights fuse… KABLAMMO!—BOOM!—BOOM!—BOOM!!!!!!!!!] [Smoking, blackened, Wile E. Coyote grin…] — freedumb! happy Fourth, patriots. Where’s my beer?

  4. Robin

    LOL. Excellent advice for a conservative Supreme Court Justice. Aim at the lefty protesters from your front door or from the upstairs bedroom window. Happy 4th y’all!

  5. 2.1. when throwing fireworks, first assume a natural relaxed stance sideways to the target…

  6. Cary Cotterman

    In ever-safety-first California when I was a kid in the ’60s we found ways to make our “Safe and Sane” fireworks more fun. We’d crimp the Piccolo Pete whistlers with pliers near the bottom, so when they burned down that far they’d explode like a large firecracker. There was a cylindrical thing called a “dragon” that was supposed to sit on the ground and shoot up sparks. We discovered that if you held it it a throwing position, arm back, and had another kid light the fuse, and timed the throw just right, it would fly across the neighborhood like a flaming rocket! One time one of them curved back, bounced off the neighbor’s garage door, and zipped around their driveway, leading their squealing daughters a merry dance. Then there were the strings of firecrackers my dad would bring back from Texas. If we pestered him enough, he’d occasionally hand out an M-80. Even in the “abundance of caution” state, it was possible for a kid to have fun on the 4th with a bit of imagination.

  7. Susan

    Fireworks Safety Tips- LOL!!!!…loved it -much needed laugh this morning……fellow Detroit girl…Susan

  8. Douglas McClenaghan

    Be brave Hold the explosive in your hand until the last second then fling it away before it explodes.

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