Happy Fourth of July!
Here are your Safety First! tips for blowing off fireworks.
1. Take plenty of matches: propane blowtorches are ideal.
2. Hurl the bottle rocket at your victim just before the fuse hits the fuselage. If you merely aim it from a bottle, it won’t hit with sufficient force. Practice until you time the bang and impact perfectly.
3. Firecrackers under occupied chairs is a classic. But don’t be an amateur. Wait until your victim has a full drink.
4. Launch your attacks from behind a screen of smoke bombs.
5. Roman candle tag never grows old. Use two to develop a devastating crossfire.
6. Have plenty of beer on hand. Use anything with “Light”, “Lite”, “Session” or “Milwaukee” on the can to douse any hair that flames up.
7. Spent sparklers make excellent hotfoots. What most don’t know is that they retain their heat long after they are spent.
8. Test any unknown calibre firework on the nearest lawyer.
9. “Hold this.”
10. Read this list to your wife or mother using a serious tone and while checking your stock and the workings of your lighter.