Many doctors, perhaps tiring of the old ways of medicine with its frustrating disappointments and frequent heartbreaks, are moving into an exciting new and growing field. Killing their patients. On purpose. For a fee.
I’m not sure what the going rate per scalp is. Maybe a reader in the insurance industry can help us out.
Surely it has to be indexed by the pound and age, though. Just think. Kill a kid, who can’t weigh more than thirty, forty pounds, and you can with one arm cart the corpse to the organ processing lab. Just think what you can sell a kid’s kidney for.
But slay geezer with a BMI north of 40 and it’s going to take at least three guys to get him on the gurney and wheel the meat to the morgue. You’re not going to get any kind of premium on his liver, and it may cost more than you can recover to cut him up.
So you charge less to kill the kid, and charge more to slaughter the senile. Economics 101.
Let the billing department worry about that. (What’s the ICD-10 code for Physician Kill?) I’m more curious about the numbers.
Before that, new readers may not know that in olden days I used to offer fashion advice to men. E.g. never wear clothes with writing on them, unless it’s part of an event.
I have sartorial advice for docs joining the Killer Corps. Have some sort of patch or ornament that is visible and distinguishes you from the other doctors, so that in case of emergency customers can pick you out without stress.
I’m thinking smiling skull lapel pins, maybe with crossed bones under the skulls. Or, like in the military tradition, you get a red stripe on your sleeve for every four certified kills. Might lead to a little vanity, and even unfriendly competition, but no system is perfect.
There are many hidden benefits to an insignia. Say you, a licensed Kill Corps certified board member, come upon a car accident, guy lays in the wreckage bleeding and in pain. If you had some kind of recognizable insignia, the guy can without delay see it and you can end his misery on the spot. (If you don’t have your medical kit on you, you’ll have to improvise. This is why you should always carry a knife.)
Incidentally, an ambulance driver may be able to ask the guy how much pain he’s in on the Liquidate Likert scale, but what’s that driver going to do if Bleeding Guy says “Intolerable”? Nothing, that’s what. Best he can offer is to rush him to the ambulatory abattoir. Given traffic these days, it’s going to waste a lot of valuable time.
My point is this guy could have been dead a lot sooner if ambulance drivers and EMTs are given training in emergency killing.
I’m sure more of this training would have been implemented by now were not doctors so famously jealous of their prerogatives. But think of the patients, gentlemen! And, uh, gentleladies.
As is usual, Canada is at the forefront of progress. Word is that, last year alone, doctors slit the throats, metaphorically speaking, of some 10,000 Great White Northerners.
According to that same report, doctors took credit for “over three percent of all deaths” in Canada. For purposeful killing, I mean. If we add in iatrogenic deaths that three percent rises a lot higher.
The report also says that the number of doctor deaths is up by thirty-three percent from the year before. These rates continue and doctors are going to have a better batting average than coronadoom.
And then with how Science grows year on year, we might look forward to a time when doctors are doing all of the killing. Think of it! Fine, clean, sanitary slaughters, done with scrupulous care by trained experts. You can’t ask for better than that.
This is outside of accidents and patients who are too frightened to go to hospitals, of course. It’s not entirely hopeless with accidents, either. We hear the cheering story of Rod McNeill, who fell, was brought to the hospital, and left.
But doctors were still able to find him a month later and slip him the ax.
His daughter, Erin Smith, wanted her father’s medical records, but she was denied. I’m sure we all agree that that would have violated the privacy of whoever did the killing.
Trust doctors. They are experts. They know how you should die better than you ever could.
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