Lucrative New Medical Specialty Emerging: Purposely Killing Patients

Lucrative New Medical Specialty Emerging: Purposely Killing Patients

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Many doctors, perhaps tiring of the old ways of medicine with its frustrating disappointments and frequent heartbreaks, are moving into an exciting new and growing field. Killing their patients. On purpose. For a fee.

I’m not sure what the going rate per scalp is. Maybe a reader in the insurance industry can help us out.

Surely it has to be indexed by the pound and age, though. Just think. Kill a kid, who can’t weigh more than thirty, forty pounds, and you can with one arm cart the corpse to the organ processing lab. Just think what you can sell a kid’s kidney for.

But slay geezer with a BMI north of 40 and it’s going to take at least three guys to get him on the gurney and wheel the meat to the morgue. You’re not going to get any kind of premium on his liver, and it may cost more than you can recover to cut him up.

So you charge less to kill the kid, and charge more to slaughter the senile. Economics 101.

Let the billing department worry about that. (What’s the ICD-10 code for Physician Kill?) I’m more curious about the numbers.

Before that, new readers may not know that in olden days I used to offer fashion advice to men. E.g. never wear clothes with writing on them, unless it’s part of an event.

I have sartorial advice for docs joining the Killer Corps. Have some sort of patch or ornament that is visible and distinguishes you from the other doctors, so that in case of emergency customers can pick you out without stress.

I’m thinking smiling skull lapel pins, maybe with crossed bones under the skulls. Or, like in the military tradition, you get a red stripe on your sleeve for every four certified kills. Might lead to a little vanity, and even unfriendly competition, but no system is perfect.

There are many hidden benefits to an insignia. Say you, a licensed Kill Corps certified board member, come upon a car accident, guy lays in the wreckage bleeding and in pain. If you had some kind of recognizable insignia, the guy can without delay see it and you can end his misery on the spot. (If you don’t have your medical kit on you, you’ll have to improvise. This is why you should always carry a knife.)

Incidentally, an ambulance driver may be able to ask the guy how much pain he’s in on the Liquidate Likert scale, but what’s that driver going to do if Bleeding Guy says “Intolerable”? Nothing, that’s what. Best he can offer is to rush him to the ambulatory abattoir. Given traffic these days, it’s going to waste a lot of valuable time.

My point is this guy could have been dead a lot sooner if ambulance drivers and EMTs are given training in emergency killing.

I’m sure more of this training would have been implemented by now were not doctors so famously jealous of their prerogatives. But think of the patients, gentlemen! And, uh, gentleladies.

As is usual, Canada is at the forefront of progress. Word is that, last year alone, doctors slit the throats, metaphorically speaking, of some 10,000 Great White Northerners.

According to that same report, doctors took credit for “over three percent of all deaths” in Canada. For purposeful killing, I mean. If we add in iatrogenic deaths that three percent rises a lot higher.

The report also says that the number of doctor deaths is up by thirty-three percent from the year before. These rates continue and doctors are going to have a better batting average than coronadoom.

And then with how Science grows year on year, we might look forward to a time when doctors are doing all of the killing. Think of it! Fine, clean, sanitary slaughters, done with scrupulous care by trained experts. You can’t ask for better than that.

This is outside of accidents and patients who are too frightened to go to hospitals, of course. It’s not entirely hopeless with accidents, either. We hear the cheering story of Rod McNeill, who fell, was brought to the hospital, and left.

But doctors were still able to find him a month later and slip him the ax.

His daughter, Erin Smith, wanted her father’s medical records, but she was denied. I’m sure we all agree that that would have violated the privacy of whoever did the killing.

Trust doctors. They are experts. They know how you should die better than you ever could.

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  1. JDaveF

    Well and good – what’s going on in Canada is disgraceful. Don’t trust doctors. When you child or grandchild comes down with meningitis, by all means keep them away from doctors!

  2. Dr Rockhead

    About that, I for one miss those your men’s fashion commentaries

  3. Incitadus

    I think it was Mark Twain who once said, “there are some people who
    could do more good under the ground cultivating the cabbages than
    they ever could walking around on top of it.” This in reference to lawyers
    and politicians who are the authors of all legislation. As to the doctors their
    full throated endorsement of the euthanasia program for the feeble minded
    in 1930’s Germany by the American Psychiatric Association can be found online.

  4. John B()


    That really is disturbing

    If she went onto an ice flow or walked into the woods that would be her choice
    But to involve the government and other people (I know some doctors who are people …)

    My6 wife walked past our old dog, once
    She looked at her and said “Oh Honey … I’m sorry … we’ll have to see the vet tomorrow”
    The next morning, the dog was gone … dragged herself out to the woods or fields
    Never saw her again

    I had a neighbor who remembered people dying at home.
    He wanted to die in the hospital … surrounded by caring nurses

    He did, but naturally

  5. Kip Hansen

    Briggs ==> ICD-10 codes: “Sections Y62-Y84 cover Complications of medical and surgical care” (usually meaning medical error, but doctor’s and hospitals seldom mention the “error” part).

  6. Hagfish Bagpipe

    Doctors knocking off patients on a retail one-by-one basis is deplorably old school. Modern medicine now mass-murders patients wholesale by mRNA injection, while injuring millions more. That’s Progress. That’s the Modern way.

  7. As usual this is an “it depends” situation where government action removes the constraints on which things depend. In some cases euthanasia can be justified – death is certain. imminent, pain filled, grotesque – but for most it’s just easier for the care givers and correspondingly open to abuse.

    Holland is currently the world leader in psuedo-voluntary death, but the basis for it lies in the eugenics ideas behind Germany’s pioneering efforts in this field during the 1920s and 30s. This: is well worth reading on the subject (and the source of my telearb dot net title ). I’d suggest, therefore, that the insignia you suggest should be a swastika.

  8. Poha

    On a more serious note, this 2003 paper from the BMJ.HARLOT plc: an amalgamation of the world’s two oldest professions Specializing in How to Achieve positive Results without actually Lying to Overcome the Truth (h/t cavenewt, at Hyperlipid, “very funny, then you realize it’s almost a perfect business plan for what the pharmaceutical companies have been doing for years”)

  9. Cloudbuster

    “Maybe a reader in the insurance industry can help us out.”

    I bet the insurance industry loves this, because I’d bet anything they don’t have to give a life insurance payout for an “assisted suicide.”

  10. Cloudbuster

    “You’re not going to get any kind of premium on his liver, and it may cost more than you can recover to cut him up.”

    Amazingly enough, you’re still giving the medical community too much credit. There are documented cases of surgeons putting a smoker’s lungs into a lung transplant patient. Even low-quality organs are valuable.

  11. Cary Cotterman

    Ha!–You made me look up “iatrogenic”.

  12. Cary Cotterman

    When my dad was in the last, painful, debilitating weeks of a terminal illness, he took matters into his own hand and checked out with the assistance of a .32 magnum Smith & Wesson revolver. I get it–there is no way, as long as I’m able to crawl, speak, or blink, that I’m going to croak in a damned hospital, wearing a damned mask. I gave my dog the merciful gift of euthanasia when she was sixteen and a half years old, unable to stand or hold her bowels, obviously in pain with terminal cancer. She just got drowsy and fell asleep in my arms. I don’t see why I shouldn’t receive the same consideration, when I ask for it.

  13. Vermont Crank

    Modern Catholics imagine that suicide is jake – just so long as they kill their own selves after Extreme Unction and The Apostolic Pardon.

    Very funny piece, Briggs


  14. Don’t think this is a “new” field of health care. The “lucrative” part may be new, but not the killing part.

    The list of doctors, nurses, and other medical pros who are known to be serial killers is long. And likely this is the tip of the iceberg. It would seem that there’s something about healthcare that attracts mass murders.

    “… we would like to think people we’re entrusting our health to will always have our best interests at heart. But the frightening reality is that, on some rare occasions, this has not always been the case.”

    Here’s a short list of known nurse murderers:

    And a long exploration of killer medicals:,16%20years%20as%20a%20nurse%20in%20nine%20hospitals.

  15. Milton Hathaway

    It’s the year 2022 . . .

    People are still the same.

    They’ll do anything to get what they need.

    And they need SOYLENT GREEN.

    On a more serious note:

    I think we badly need a remake of Soylent Green, but from conservative media instead of Hollywood. The “All is Beauty” commercial greatly reminded me of the euthanasia center scenes. The remake should feature some heart-wrenching subplots involving physician-assisted suicide, and how easily it is abused; it should make the point about our lost humanity, preferably with the subtlety of a nuclear blast. Maybe throw in some dystopian climate change stuff as background to fool the libs into seeing it, but make it so over-the-top that conservatives (and only conservatives) will see it as satire.

  16. C-Marie

    We can ask God to please take us home if all is too difficult to handle.
    God bless, C-Marie

  17. Eddystone

    Paramedics in the People’s Republic of South Australia are trained in the use of an “end of life” kit. Not rolled out for trauma cases yet, but it’s only a matter of time.

  18. John C3

    As far as the life insurance issue on assisted suicide goes, I can’t say for sure. But, the referendum that was narrowly rejected by Massachusetts voters 10 years ago (with the Church putting a couple million dollars into ads showing the bottle of barbiturates the person would have to take) stated that the cause of death, as recorded on the death certificate, would not be suicide, but whatever the underlying medical cause was. I thought at the time that insurance companies would have had a problem with this, but I’ve never heard it mentioned.

  19. Sharon

    when speakjng of disposing of the larger fleshed person, you did not factor in the increasingly promoted meat option. Eat people to save the environment (&the animals) is the argument that I have seen being touted, OH and salami made with lab cultured cells of a Celebrity …
    A bigger corpse = more flesh to sell. the bonus of kill on demand is fresh, and can be done to order. As demonstrated by our Chinese cousins
    Global extended Family. As 1, As All…

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