SCENE: A PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY
DRAMATIS PERSONAE: TWO AGING PRESTIGIOUS ACADEMICS
“Hey, dude, we’re, like scientists. Maybe we should, like, do some research.”
“Yeah, man. Do research.”
“Do research. We definitely need to do research.”
“That’s right, man. Do research. Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“So, like, what research, dude.”
“I don’t know, man. But we need to do research. Research is cool.”
“How about, like, global warming?”
“It’s climate change now, man. Climate change.”
“Right, like, how about we do something like climate change research, dude?”
“Yeah. Climate change research is cool.”
“Yeah. It’s cool, man.”
“Dude, but, like, what kind of climate change research?”
“I don’t know, man. But research is cool.”
“We’re doctors, dude, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, man. Doctors.”
“How about we do some, like, doctor climate research?”
“Yeah, man. Doctor Climate. I’ll be Doctor Climate. I got the research fever, man.”
“And, like, what do doctors hate, dude.”
“Insurance forms, man.”
“No, dude. Death. We don’t like death. That’s, like, why we’re doctors.”
“Yeah, man, Doctor Climate don’t do death.”
“So we, like, have to do climate change research that, like, has death in it.”
“Okay, man. Climate change death research.”
“And, like, what’s one way people die dude?”
“Smoking this, man.”
“No, dude. Gunshots. Like gunshots kill people, dude.”
“Gunshots.”
“And, like, we don’t like climate change, right?”
“Nobody likes climate change, man.”
“That’s right. We, like, don’t like climate change and we don’t like death.”
“I see where you’re going, man.”
“Like, it must be that climate change is making people shoot more guns, dude.”
“That’s right. We don’t like climate change.”
“Think about it, dude. The more, like, climate change there is, the most people will shoot each other with, like, guns.”
“Has to be, man. Guns.”
“Let’s, like, do guns and climate change research, dude.”
“Yeah, man. Research is good.”
TIME PASSES
“Okay, dude, I, like, got the research data.”
“Research is cool, man.”
“No, dude. I mean I, like, got the guns and climate change data.”
“Climate change is bad, man.”
“Like, look at this, dude. It says when it’s hot out people, like, shoot more people.”
“Nobody likes shooting people in the cold, man. It isn’t cool. You ever try to load a gun with frozen fingers? Not cool, man. Can’t be done.”
“I’m serious, dude. Like, I did the numbers. Here, like, look at my P. Have you ever, like, seen a P as small as this, dude?”
“Righteous. That is the smallest P I ever seen on a man.”
“We, like, have to publish this, dude. What should we, like, call our paper?”
“I don’t know, man.”
“Like, how about, like, ‘Analysis of Daily Ambient Temperature and Firearm Violence in 100 US Cities‘?”
“That’s a solid research title, man. It sings science.”
“You, like, write the paper, dude, and I’ll, like, send it to our, like, peers for review.”
“Doctor Climate is on it, man.”
TIME PASSES
“Dude. Like, we got the reviewers’ comments back.”
“Research is cool.”
“Like, the first reviewer said, like, climate change is bad.”
“Doctor Climate don’t like climate change.”
“And, like, reviewer two was all like, people shouldn’t have guns.”
“That’s right, man. Only the government should have guns.”
“But, like, reviewer three was harsh, dude.”
“Nobody likes reviewer three, man.”
“He, like, wants us to rewrite part of our, like, Discussion.”
“That reviewer three burns my ass, man.”
“We gotta do it, though, dude. Here, like, is what I’m going to say. ‘This finding strengthens the support for theories that propose ambient heat as a cause of community violence (eg, temperature-aggression hypothesis and routine activities theory), although our work did not specifically assess these theories.’ And, like, about how ‘particularly Black and Indigenous communities, experience disproportionate exposure to urban heat and other effects of climate change.'”
“That’s my kind of research.”
“I, like, said the reason so many blacks, like, shoot each other is because they have, like, ‘less green space and more asphalt’.”
“Nobody likes asphalt, man.”
“I added, like, how our research ‘underscore[s] the importance of exploring heat mitigation strategies as tools to reduce shootings’.”
“Heat mitigation.”
“Like, dude, this paper is, like, going to be a hit. It’s going to, like, make us popular.”
“Nobel Prize in Medicine, man.”
Hat tip to Marc Morano where we first learned of this stunning research.
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Truly, geniuses walk among us in the hallowed (poison) ivy-covered halls.
“This finding strengthens the support for theories that propose ambient heat as a cause of community violence (eg, temperature-aggression hypothesis and routine activities theory), although our work did not specifically assess these theories.”
Must be because I’m not a scientist that this sentence makes absolutely no sense to me.
Funny, Briggs, and you got a keen ear for the modern lingo, but your two characters are supposed to be Doctors — you know, like, smart cookies? — so no actual Ph.D. Doctors could possibly be that stupid, conniving, and shameless… right?
Right?
One day, at a party, people joked about dick ratios… Size expanded vs contracted. It was slightly embarrassing… How do you calculate a ratio of +5 to -1.?
I still don’t know the answer. I think that if you calculate it, the time/space continuum would collapse.
But somehow, it is reality.
This is hilarious, your best column yet. Seriously, you should give up the idea that you’re a scientist. You’re actually a satirist. All your rigorous ranting about fake statistics is nice for the intellectual crowd, but it’s satire like this column that cuts through the noise. I live in a university town. In fact, the home town of Mr. Jefferson’s University. This is, like, askshually, the way people, like, ackshually talk. Lampoon them. Cut them with satire. That’s what I do. It’s futile to engage them. All that is left is to rip them with laughter at their stupidity.
It’s thin gruel but take consolation in the fact that many PHDs will be some
of the first to go up the flue. The revolution always consumes the disenchanted
zealots first. First they came for my car, then they came for my pork chop, it was
too late to resist by the time they came for my gas stove.
Gun killings in 2022:
Los Angeles: 382
Chicago: 639
Yep, it’s that warm weather that boosts the murder rate.
Well, it would be entertaining as hell to enroll in a class with Bill and Ted as professors.
Umm, they call each “dude” and “man” ?!? -not at any prestigious university I know of they wouldn’t – because some student might hear them, allege insensitiitivity, and have their tenure revoked , research brilliance and all.
Let’s make a riddle that no one can solve. Oh yes, one with numbers. What numbers can be given and many/all will not be able to validate them. Oh yes, the number can be the height of pyramids, one would have to take the building down to the ground (with dynamite?!) to physically check the height, or one can use Pythagoras. But today’s students don’t understand Pythagoras or make mistakes with it, plus they would have to believe calculated unvalidatable numbers. Oh yes, therefore the number for the height must be believed and remains an unsolvable riddle for many/all.
Hey man, this post is infused with superpowers of some sort.