Fun

Contest! When Will The First DIE-Caused Passenger Airline Crash Happen?

Start with this video, which is of Scott Kirby, the CEO of United Airlines, who emphasizes that DIE will be used to choose UA pilots.

Kirby says that at least 50% of new pilot program classes will be women or “people of color”. Which colors he did not say. He does boast that UA now has 19% of women and these mysterious “people of color”. Which leads us to calculate that 81% are now men or people of no color. Math, if you don’t follow this, and as Barbie said, is hard.

Now I have not seem similarly flavored boasts by the other major carriers, except Delta, only because I haven’t bothered searching, but doubtless they too are obsessed with “people of color”. Perhaps these executives were all deprived of finger paints as children.

Of course, Kirby does have his personal reasons to DIE. Here’s a story, with pictures and videos, which convey the story’s title nicely: “United Airlines CEO is a cross-dressing freak“. (Quick pic link.)

Next up is the FAA and their sworn commitment to DIE. In my favorite story of 2024 so far, we have this important clue to your challenge:

The Federal Aviation Administration is actively recruiting workers who suffer “severe intellectual” disabilities, psychiatric problems and other mental and physical conditions under a diversity and inclusion hiring initiative spelled out on the agency’s website.

“Targeted disabilities are those disabilities that the Federal government, as a matter of policy, has identified for special emphasis in recruitment and hiring,” the FAA’s website states. “They include hearing, vision, missing extremities, partial paralysis, complete paralysis, epilepsy, severe intellectual disability, psychiatric disability and dwarfism.”

The initiative is part of the FAA’s “Diversity and Inclusion” hiring plan, which claims “diversity is integral to achieving FAA’s mission of ensuring safe and efficient travel across our nation and beyond.”

Everything today, as we have discussed many times, is named for its opposite. Therefore, this dedication to hiring an air traffic controller who is a deaf blind one-legged paralytic midget who suffers from epilepsy and a complete lack of spatial awareness will not, as the FAA says, lead to “safe and efficient travel” across, as they say, “our nation and beyond”. Doubtless instead we shall see planes dropping out of the sky like bribes from pharmaceuticals to Congresscreatures.

It was always obvious that DIE would lead to the removal of all standards. As we have predicted long ago, and which we are now seeing everywhere.

Equality is the Great Leveler. No peak can remain. It wouldn’t be “fair”. We choose to DIE and so we must die.

And some of us will die on Diversity Airways.

There have been suspected DIE crashes before, like Atlas Air Flight 3591, as a helpful Twitter user reminded me. Wokepedia tells us that the first-officer-of-color “experienced spatial disorientation and inadvertently placed the aircraft in an unrecoverable dive.” But this was a cargo and not passenger flight, and the dead totaled only three.

We’re after more spectacular numbers, at least a hundred. Which can easily be got with most passenger jets.

Thus our contest. You must predict the date of our first DIE-caused passenger jet crash—in the air or on the runway. The dead must be at least 100.

We measure closeness in days from your guess, before or after. The person with the closet guess wins. The prize is a signed copy of the second edition of Everything Your Believe Is Wrong (which I have purposely delayed because of current events). All guesses must be in before 1 February 2024.

If the person with the closest guess happens to be a passenger on the plane or planes involved in the crash, in addition to the book, a bouquet of roses-of-color will be sent to his relatives. If I am one of the passengers, all you win are bragging rights, I’m afraid, because I won’t be around to do any signing.

What counts as a DIE-caused crash? Well, the obvious. But the obvious, as is obvious itself, will not be announced on the “news.” If the crash is two planes with freshly graduated all-DIE crews, the “news” will doubtless record the event, if it records it at all, as an “incident”. One day you Aunt Jane will say she is flying down to meet you, and the next she disappears. Or the crash will be blamed on the stress caused by the “whiteness” of aviation rules, or some such thing.

Therefore I shall be the only and sole judge of what counts as the DIE crash. In the event of the tie, I will pick whoever I like best. Brides will be accepted.

My own guess is 1 October 2024. Yours?

Please help spread this contest far and, yes, wide, so that we get a good range of guesses.

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Categories: Fun

29 replies »

  1. This was a wonderful, albeit depressing article. But at the end, you say “brides will be accepted”. That is funny by itself, but I expect you meant “bribes”. Thought you might want to fix it since I expect it will be spread wide.

  2. If, heaven forbid, UA has a disaster and the airline issues a formal “thoughts and prayers” statement, THAT is the picture the media will show. If I were a stockholder, I’d be concerned.

  3. Gee, I wonder about these United pilots (which are all unnamed)? Maybe they were busy changing their clothes to celebrate a cross-dressing flight? After all, it was bound for SFO. In any case, it appears that a disaster was averted and it was ALL pilot error. The plan rapidly descended to within 800 feet of the water after a normal takeoff. To me, looks like we just averted the first DIE flight here.
    https://www.flightglobal.com/safety/us-ntsb-attributes-maui-near-crash-to-miscommunication-in-united-cockpit/154501.article

  4. I don’t think it will be in 2024, there’s still too many competent white men in the system. But I expect it will be before the end of 2026. This assumes there isn’t an overt effort to purge the existing competent white men.

  5. I can’t believe I’m going to do this. February 15th, 2025. That’s over one year from now.

    My initial guess was this summer, but then I noticed a number of people are making the same prediction. Therefore, I thought to myself, that can’t be the correct guess because they can’t know more about the topic than me, and I know nothing. Therefore, I further theorized, the correct answer must be something that people haven’t guessed so far. So I chose late winter. 🙂 And since late winter 2024 is too soon, I chose the next awailable late winter. 🙂

  6. Good luck expecting any mainstream news source to report the truth if it’s a DIE crash.

    My guess is on or about November 28, 2024–Thanksgiving. Hectic air travel will overwhelm maintenance, piloting, and air traffic personnel, exacerbating whatever weaknesses they already have. Secretary Booty-judge will appear on tv, citing racist runways.

    I’m staying out of planes, so the danger is reduced to one dropping on my house. Now if I could only avoid DIE doctors.

  7. When they have Helen Keller pilots.
    May it happen somewhere Brandon just visited with the stench of FAIL.

  8. Spirit Aerosystems: “Come on, clearly using a torque wrench is white supremacy! There are other ways of knowing a bolt is tight. The use of Castle nuts perpetuates colonialism and the patriarchy, with the phallic need to insert a cotter pin.” (“Diversity and inclusiveness will ensure that Spirit continues to remain at the forefront of our industry.” Maybe work on the door plugs, tho.) link to a longish Boeing/Spirit thread (Re-Tweeted by Elon, yo) https://twitter.com/ConceptualJames/status/1745110176372339167 Briggs: “Brides will be accepted” Dr K’s comment “I expect it will be spread wide” – oh noes, not going there … Poha

  9. Atlas Air 3591…It was not spatial D. The airplane received an approach to stall indication and the First Officer freaked the F out and pushed the yoke forward (as he should) to either break the stall or prevent the stall from forming but locked his arms out. As the aircraft increased its nose down attitude and airspeed the Captain attempted to talk the FO through the last steps of the approach to stall recovery maneuver but could not get the FO to respond. The Captain then attempted to over-ride the FO with his set of controls but used so much force he sheared a pin in the yoke that rendered his flight controls inoperable. What a shitty way to go.
    The worst part was the FO was failing training at Atlas and used the race card. Based off of his multiple previous check ride failures, he should have never been given an interview at Atlas much less Joe Bob’s cropdusting and scenic air tours. DIE was the wedge that cracked that door and 2 families had to deal with tragic loss that should never have happened. I shudder at the damage that will happen when this occurs at a major passenger airline

  10. I’m waiting for the Putsch to include Downs people in the neurosurgery programs at the major medical establishments.

  11. December 1, 2024

    Reason: First Sunday after Thanksgiving is the busiest time of the year for air travel, weather will be bad, they’ll need pilots and crews to be working overtime, and it provides for enough time to thoroughly saturate the field with the DIE hires, such that competent colleagues can no longer pick up the slack, especially during a rush.

    As a possible aside, for a secondary prediction ( I know it doesn’t count, but I’ll make it for my own vanity), I choose January 4, 2024, for similar reasons.

  12. Everyone will be so scared of DIE pilots by the time you’re finished Briggs that they’ll cheer when they replace them with ChatGPT 23. None of the controls will actually be connected to anything and all the blinkenlights will be in soothing patterns while the “pilots” sit there and the computer system flies the aircraft. There will still be crashes so they still need the DIE people there to blame as necessary.

  13. In that Quick pic link you posted there is a man behind the cross-dressing CEO wearing a t-shirt that says, “It’s going down”.

  14. Boeing 737 MAX8E had several crashes, after which all 737 MAX8E were grounded. In these cases, the pilots are not to blame, but the crashed planes had been built be DIE hires and were inherently unstable due to the position of the engines. If DIE results in a faulty plane that then crashes, should that count as a crash caused by DIE? If so, it has already happened.

    What do you count as DIE caused crash? Must it be the pilot? Does airtraffic control also count? Service mechanics? Design?

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