Science: Climate Changes Causes Only Bad Things, And No Good Things

Science: Climate Changes Causes Only Bad Things, And No Good Things

So I saw this headline, “The International Eczema Council investigate how climate change may impact eczema“. And I remembered I owed readers an investigation into all the bad things, and the good things, too, that will be caused by “climate change.”

Turns out everything bad will be caused by “climate change.” And nothing good. “Climate change” is scientifically unique in this way, being an entirely malevolent force.

Here’s the steps I took to discover all the bad things, and no good things, caused by “climate change.” I urge you to replicate my work. This will help convince you of the full horror of “climate change”. It will also make you at least a good a “climate change” scientist as anybody else. Because science means replication.

Step 1: Go to

Step 2: Enter this phrase (with quotation marks): X "climate change".

Step 3: Substitute X for anything you like. Anything at all.

Step 4: Find the scientific research article that scientifically proves, by the powers of scientific research, that “climate change” will cause X to burst into flames and to go straight to Hell. Or that X, a bad thing, will make “climate change” worse.

Now I, being one man (but what a man), cannot possibly think of everything, nor do I have time to, so I rely on you, dear readers, to spackle over the lacunae in my research.

Here’s my list. Which, as you saw, starts with eczema. Because of course “climate change” will make eczema worse. I didn’t put the links in the list below, because that would have been tedious in the extreme. But with the scholarly scientific research titles, you will have no trouble finding them yourself.

You also have to be a tad creative. For instance, I chose soup as one of my words. I immediately found the article “Climate change/variability and food systems: evidence from the Afram Plains, Ghana”, but it doesn’t have soup in the title. But the text indeed does have it: “…akple (cooked maize dough) and vegetable soup”, which the paper says will suffer when “climate change” hits.

Neither will you always find “climate change” in the title; but it is always in the paper in the examples I display. Do not neglect “global warming” for older research.

Also, if the thing itself in the list will not suffer under “climate change”, it will cause worse “climate change”.

Almost all words have multiple scientific research papers. I picked whichever one was amusing. I was lazy, too, rarely bothering to search past the first page. I took it as read that all meteorological and associated effects will be bad.

Climate Change of Doom List

  1. diarrhea: “Climate change is likely to worsen the public health threat of diarrheal disease in Botswana”
  2. soup: “Throwing soup at Van Gogh: The framing of art in climate change activism by British mass media”
  3. capacitors: “Environmental impact assessment of aluminum electrolytic capacitors in a product family from the manufacturer’s perspective”
  4. french fries: “Environmental profile of the Swiss supply chain for French fries: Effects of food loss reduction, loss treatments and process modifications”
  5. pencil: “Eco-efficiency of pencil preduction using life cycle assessment to increase the manufacture sustainability”
  6. deer: “Climate change effects on deer and moose in the Midwest”
  7. oysters: “Long-term environmental tolerance of the non-indigenous Pacific oyster to expected contemporary climate change conditions”
  8. turtle: “Vulnerability of sea turtle nesting grounds to climate change”
  9. goats: “Goats and their role in climate change”
  10. snakes: “A framework for assessing the vulnerability of species to climate change: a case study of the Australian elapid snakes”
  11. (Every living creature will suffer under “climate change”)
  12. coffee: “A Systematic Review on the Impacts of Climate Change on Coffee Agrosystems”
  13. movies: “Effectiveness of the use of movies in climate change communication: Empirical evidence from York, United Kingdom”
  14. paper towels: “Detailed life cycle assessment of Bounty® paper towel operations in the United States”
  15. sausage: “Environmental Assessment of the Fresh Sausage Transformation Process in the Italian Context: An LCA Study”
  16. stew: “Environmental sustainability of a pork and bean stew”
  17. hamburger: “Potential contributions of food consumption patterns to climate change”
  18. pizza: “Environmental impacts of mixed dishes: A case study on pizza”
  19. (Never do scientific research while hungry)
  20. prostitution: “Documentary film analysis: the environment and prostitution”
  21. Humphrey Bogart: “Infrastructure resilience to climate change” (“There is a scene in the 1954 movie Sabrina, starring Humphrey Bogart…”)
  22. tires: “The influence of consumer behavior on the environmental footprint of passenger car tires”
  23. paprika: “Analysis of Greenhouse Temperature and Solar Irradiance that Affect Monthly Production of Summer-cultivated Paprika”
  24. Nepal: “Climate change and its increasing impacts in Nepal”
  25. sidewalks: “Climate change impacts on future driving and walking conditions in Finland, Norway and Sweden” (“…a five percentage point increase of water above ice layers on the sidewalks.”)
  26. playgrounds: “Outdoor playgrounds and climate change: Importance of surface materials and shade to extend play time and prevent burn injuries”
  27. firearms: “Firearm-related injury and death in the United States” (“As we have described, climate change has clearly…”)
  28. toothpaste: “A redesign of the toothpaste tube using green QFD II for improved usability and sustainability”
  29. cancer: “Cancer and climate change”
  30. diabetes: “Diabetes and climate change”
  31. obesity: “Climate change and obesity”
  32. dental caries (cavities): “Climate change on oral health and dentistry: association and mitigation”
  33. anemia: “Implications of climatic change on sickle cell anemia: A review”
  34. baldness: “Medical education and medical educators in South Asia-a set of challenges” (“…conditions like erectile dysfunction, male pattern baldness, attention deficit…”)
  35. stroke: “Climate Change and Stroke: A Topical Narrative Review”
  36. gout: ” Potential adverse health consequences of climate change related to rheumatic diseases”
  37. (Every disease will be exacerbated by “climate change”)
  38. aluminum: “Aluminum production in the times of climate change: The global challenge to reduce the carbon footprint and prevent carbon leakage”
  39. battery: “Reducing the climate change impacts of lithium-ion batteries by their cautious management through integration of stress factors and life cycle assessment”
  40. stock market: “Climate change events and stock market returns”
  41. marshmallow: “Weighing the costs and benefits of climate change to our children”
  42. erasers: “Natural rubber and climate change: a policy paper” (…”erasers;2; footwear; textiles (eg expandable clothing, belts…”)
  43. copper pipe: “Ensuring climate change adaptation avoids increased health risks from drinking-water copper exposure”
  44. asphalt: “Structural behavior of the geothermo-electrical asphalt pavement: A critical review concerning climate change”
  45. chlorine: “Implications of climate change: How does increased water temperature influence biofilm and water quality of chlorinated drinking water distribution systems?”
  46. paint: “Calculation and estimation of the carbon footprint of paint industry”
  47. foster care: “Trauma-informed care intervention for culture and climate change within a child welfare agency”
  48. anime: “Nature, media and the future: Unnatural disaster, animist anime and eco-media activism in Japan” (“Climate change is not off in the future.“)
  49. radio: “Testing the influence of radio programs on climate change knowledge: A pilot experience from the Congo Basin”
  50. tobacco: “Leveraging climate change to improve global tobacco control”
  51. rifle: “Tropic of chaos: Climate change and the new geography of violence” (…fast-action repeating rifles…)
  52. handguns: “Firearm-related injury and death in the United States” (“… climate change has clearly…”)
  53. cardboard: “Carbon footprint comparative analysis of cardboard and plastic containers used for the international transport of Spanish Tomatoes”
  54. mental health: “Climate change: the next challenge for public mental health?”
  55. minorities: “The impact of climate change on minorities and indigenous peoples”
  56. women: “Effects of climate change on women”

World Ends: Women, Minorities Hardest Hit.

Your turn.

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  1. bruce g charlton

    I tested your theory and searched what I thought was the most ludicrous association – climate change and halitosis; and… sure enough, I found it.

    Climate change Does cause halitosis, apparently.

    So you are correct – Climate change causes Only bad things – and it causes All bad things.

  2. Steve

    I rely on you, dear readers, to spackle over the lacunae in my research.

    It is with deep regret to inform you that the spackle industry, in its current form, is doomed by climate change.

  3. PiperPaul

    Making stuff come out of noses is yet another bad thing caused by ClimateChange™.

  4. Hagfish Bagpipe

    I found a confounding positive!

    Searching — Jews “climate change” — produces a page highlighting Jew’s special role in addressing climate change, naturally, but there on the second page you see, “Drawing attention to global climate change decreases support for war.” Decreases support for war? Yes — “[ Arab citizens of Israel ] …increased support for peaceful coexistence with Israeli Jews after imagining global climate change but not a localized catastrophe that would affect both Muslims and Jews.” Hallelujah! All we need do is sit the Palis down for a climate lecture and watch them bust out in hugs and kisses! Science! I just knew something good was bound to happen where Jews are concerned.

  5. Don B

    “The fiscal benefits of stringent climate change mitigation: an overview”

    I didn’t read the article, but I am guessing that viciously fighting climate change is fiscally responsible. 🙂

  6. Incitadus

    It’s all fine and good to make fun of all the absurd connections the climate zealots
    make but the proof of the pudding is in the eating and before you know it we’ll all be
    eating cricket cakes. The real proof is the wholesale destruction of the energy grid,
    the food supply, the global economy, personal transportation, individual home ownership,
    and financial independence. All of these measures are well underway with governments
    allocating trillions of dollars to a wide variety of climate inanities. You don’t have to drive
    far to see fields and mountains covered with windmills and solar panels, car lots filled with
    government subsidized electric cars that no one wants, fuel, food & housing prices soaring.

    The fuse has been lit and we are now headed for a Worldwide Great Depression with a concentration
    of wealth and power never before seen in human history. The electoral process in all Western
    countries has been criminally and treasonously corrupted, the boarders are open floodgates of
    alien impoverished impostures, and financial transactions will soon be regulated according to the
    contents of your thoughts. The not so brave new world of learned helplessness we inhabit has
    been slated for culling it will soon be a world of AI robots and immortal trillionaires. On the bright
    side they will definitely save scraps of your DNA owned and under patent of course for future inter-
    planetary adventures.

  7. Cary D Cotterman

    Greg Gutfeld recently highlighted an article that claimed toddlers are racist. He challenged viewers to find articles saying that infants are racist, and they came through the next day. So he challenged them to find similar articles about fetuses, and sure enough, some were found. Next he went down to the molecular level, and viewers came up with articles claiming microscopic racism.

  8. Hagfish Bagpipe

    Incitadus, old fellow, cheer up. Think of all the good things that are bound to appear, providentially, in the comedy to come. Silver linings, glass half full, that sort of thing. Consider also the topic of today’s post.

  9. David C

    That was both inspired and hilarious William!

  10. Charlie

    rape: Role of Climate Change in Exacerbating Sexual and Gender-Based Violence against Women”

    dementia: “Potential Impacts of Extreme Heat and Bushfires on Dementia”

    women’s health: “Is Climate Change Affecting Women’s Health More?”

    skiing: “Predicting snow height in ski resorts using an agent-based simulation”

  11. Charlie

    orgasm: “Healing, resistance, transformation: Evolving intimacies in the age of climate change”

    breast: “Breastfeeding tackles both obesity and climate change–Breasts do not require scrupulous washing with detergents in hot water between feeds”

    sex work: ” Health of female sex workers and their children: a call for action–link between sex work and food insecurity related to global climate change”

    transgender: “The Unrepresented in Environmental Debates: The Impact of Climate Change on Low-Income Transwomen of Color”

    queer: “Queering climate change: exploring the influence of LGBTQ+ identity on climate change belief and risk perceptions”

  12. Incitadus

    Hagfish…’Cheer up’ We’re like the passengers on the Titanic after an iceberg has torn
    a 100 meter hole in the hull being told to go back to the Tic Tock Apps. she’s unsinkable. Those
    lists of absurd ‘bad things’ have been metered out over the course of the past sixty years planted
    in every major publication timed and paired with implacable precision, laced with irony and
    nuance they’ve but one singular goal the total control of all natural and human resources on
    the planet and beyond. A convenient dial on success or failure, progress or regression, the power
    of life and death itself; cheer up indeed. I too love a good joke, a stiff drink and the odd round of
    backgammon the only game I’d gamble on, but this is beyond double or nothing it’s a sure bet.

  13. Tars Tarkas

    You may want to check out the Z-Man’s Xirl Science gags. He has a weekly podcast and he used to do a gag in it called “Xirl Science” where he would just read an “academic” paper, by a woman, usually from a “peer reviewed journal.” Hilarity ensued.

    Once he did one on a paper called “Black Anality” by a Xirl calling herself “Jennifer Nash” and published by Duke University Press. It’s every bit as funny as its title makes it sound.

  14. When the various “developing world” agricultural systems collapse due to over-pumping of ground water and general resource misuse and excessive birthrates the excuse for the enormous floods of migrants resulting in you having to live in a shoebox and subsist on meagre rations consisting of bug protein and corn meal will be “climate change”. Repent, you filthy systemically racist White man for denying this.

  15. MikeW

    The only thing worse than the apocalypse predicted by climate change doomsters is the apocalypse that you climate change realists predict will be caused by the doomsters. Relax! Neither climate change itself nor climate change doomsters can cause anything approaching an apocalypse. Even government-supported doomsters understand implicitly that they must moderate their crazy demands if they want to stay in power. So the most they can do is cause irritations and inconveniences that the rest of the world can overcome or ignore while we move on with their lives. Take therefore no thought for the doomsters, for the doomsters shall take thought for the things of themselves. Sufficient unto your own life is the evil thereof. Go out for a walk and enjoy the fine weather!

  16. Incitadus

    MikeW… I want some of whatever you’re smoking. Do you already own a horse, a buggy,
    a farm, a plough? Do you live in a Romanian mountain village or something? You must
    already have a chainsaw and heat with wood. You wouldn’t by any chance know anyone
    who rents mules would you?

  17. Johnno

    Climate Change is causing cannibalism in Haiti!

    It’s complicated!

  18. Gunther Heinz

    Behind all this fear of climate change, is a fear of living itself. A RELUCTANCE to get out there … and just LIVE.

  19. TheFeebleClone

    There’s no doubt increasing the biomass with additional free carbon and boosting metabolism with higher ambient temperatures would be catastrophic to life on earth!

    By the way, the estimable Dr. Roy Spencer has a lot of very well written pieces on climate science which are both accessible to the intelligent lay reader and which including enough detail to explain the basis – or lack thereof – for inferences.
    two point about him which stand out: Like Dr. Briggs, he is extremely incisive about the limits of parameterized models. And second, it’s something of an open secret that meteorologists who make their bread and butter on predictive-causal models tend to be more skeptical of climatology.

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