How To Set Up As A Global Warming, Now Called “Climate Change”, Researcher

How To Set Up As A Global Warming, Now Called “Climate Change”, Researcher

Are you one of the many who have recognized the path to success is to show how the world will end, women and minorities hardest hit, but you don’t know how to start? Do you have the urge to show man is a cancer?

Have you considered setting up as a global warming, now known as “climate change”, researcher?

I’m here to help, friend. For I can teach you in One Easy Lesson how to prove any bad thing is caused by global warming, now called “climate change.”

The way it works is to first bring to mind your favorite Victims. Then recall those Victims’ most treasured woes, whines and complaints.

Then conjure evidence that shows global warming, now known as “climate change”, causes or exacerbates those woes, whines and complaints.

This may sound a difficult task. It is not. It is simplicity itself. For that “evidence” has to be nothing more than asserting that global warming, now known as “climate change”, causes or exacerbates, or will cause or exacerbate, those woes, whines and complaints.

Let’s try!

What group is the most enduring of all Victims? Well, it’s a contest, to be sure, with constant wrangling for top spot. After all, there is nothing better to be in our culture than a Victim. The contest is therefore heated. But all will agree that women are a viable candidate; they are at least loud enough about it.

So we have our Victim. What are that Victim’s most treasured woes, whines and complaints? Certainly birthing babies, with all the complications of their self-described loathing of their own biology, at least in those Victims who claim women are “forced” to give birth.

All right, we have our Victims and a plaint. Now how to tie it to global warming, now called “climate change”?

Vox to the rescue with this hilarious headline: “The bizarre link between rising sea levels and complications in pregnancy: Exposure to salty water can rob women of their reproductive organs and pregnancies.”

Turns out, Vox says, there’s a woman out there on earth that doesn’t like salt water. She doesn’t like drinking it, and she especially does not love how it dries salty on her skin. Nasty business.

Well, do you know what water has salt in it? Right. The ocean.

And do you know what global warming, now called “climate change”, will effect? Right. The ocean.

Therefore, the ocean will become saltier, which will be some trick after all those glaciers melt, which they’re always promising, but never mind. The really frightening thing is how this salt water will stalk, find, and wash over the bodies of those women who don’t care for how the salt dries on their skin.

Laugh if you like, but that can cause angst. And do you know what angst does to a pregnant women?

Before I answer that, I want to assure readers I am following the latest advanced journalistic guidelines, which is to use only those words and phrases most apt for the Victims under discussion. Our emphasis is female Victims, so I am supposed to talk of pregnant women, or mothers-to-be, and suchlike words. If we were discussing that other great crew of Victims, sexual deviants, I would instead have to use birthing persons and uterus havers and so on.

That being settled, I’ll tell you what angst and excessive drinking of salt water causes: complications in pregnancy. And complications in pregnancy can rob women of their pregnancies.

We’re done! We have the outline of a standard science article on how global warming, now called “climate change”, can harm Victims in a twist no one saw coming. All that’s left is to throw some fancy graphics on it, quote a scientist or two about the evils of global warming, now called “climate change”, and get plenty of Victim quotes expressing their horror over what is to come.

Vox does all this.

Problem is, Vox forgot to check with places like Florida, which is birthing out babies just fine. Florida is surrounded by salt water, you see, and is a favorite place for people in the Northern Hemisphere spring to go bask in its waters. California, too.

And you’d think that if salt water were harming female Victims in Florida, and other coastal places, we’d have noticed it by now. People would have been avoiding, and not flocking to, beaches.

But that’s because we never considered the water’s electrical conductivity. Vox has a very important science graph showing that this important quantity is changing. Which means women are doomed.

Or will be. Or maybe. One global warming, now called “climate change”, hits.

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  1. Jim Fedako

    Wouldn’t wearing a mask solve the problem? That and six foot social distancing from the surf. Maybe some sort of lockdown and RNA vaccine as well. Just askin’.

  2. TeddyZ

    Like this little gem: “Why climate change is inherently racist”. Yes, the BBC actually wrote that! Here’s the link if you don’t believe me:

    In July 2023, we had “era of global boiling has arrived”. This from UN chief Antonio Guterres. A grown man in his 70’s.

    What these people fail to realise that all this hyperbolic hysteria makes people more sceptical, not spur action. It’s all a circus act. You could almost be forgiven for thinking it is some reverse psychology tactic to make everyone right-wing by employing left-wing rhetoric that is so preposterous that one takes the opposing view.

  3. Nope, wrong. To set up as a climate researcher you need to create an online image of yourself as a member of a victimized minority – gay black woman in a wheelchair or something like that. Then you need to practice writing grant applications in just the right language — you need to get the whiny tone right while exhibiting the arrogance due you. Once you have that in place, any good title and summary will do – for example, a few years ago, I helped someone write a grant application to study the role of climate change in recent increases in the number of deer strikes in urban traffic. He was asked to interview for the grant….

  4. Johnno

    It’s almost as if these outlets will write absolutely anything…

    Maybe that’s why A.I. threatens them so much… it’s willing to bullshit in ways that the current propagandists hesitate before committing to it anyway, and it used their work to train itself, so they’d know! They looked in the mirror and it gazed back.

  5. Patrick Cusack

    Your eyes may be crossed and your tee’s all dottted, but you’ve droped a ‘C’ in the last sentence.

  6. Hagfish Bagpipe

    Thanks for the advice, Briggs. I will consider becoming A Global Warming (Climate Change) freelance propagandist. Clearly, there is a vast and lucrative market for insane stupidity. And why should I not act to satisfy that market? The market, or should I say — The Market — having godlike moral powers in the Modern World, who am I to deny the people their express desires? No sir! — load up that fork and fill your fat face. I am at your service. For a nominal fee, of course. Vox popoli, vox diabolus!

  7. spaceranger

    I haven’t noticed if there’s an uptick in college-bound HS’ers who now want to be “climate scientists.” I suppose there is.
    When I was in high school, Jacques Cousteau was a big deal and they wanted to be oceanographers.
    When I was in college, Nixon was president and after “All the Presidents Men” came out they wanted to be journalists. Many close to STEM wanted to be an environmental something-or-other.
    Latest I’ve heard nobody wants to be an astronaut anymore, they want to be “influencers.” Whatever that is.

  8. Rex8or Legitimax Prime

    comments can’t be deleted

  9. Rex8or Legitimax Prime

    comments can’t be deleted & it’s not because they are duplicate comments

  10. Paulus little wood gnome

    rex8or legitimax Prime

  11. Rex8or Legitimax Prime

    sorry about the comments but we can’t delete them unfortunately, never mind.

  12. Tars Tarkas

    I cannot believe what a bigot old Briggs is becoming!!! Or does he not know that men can become pregnant now? It’s birthing people who will be most affected!!!!

  13. Brian (bulaoren)

    Obviously, the Ministry of Magic has been taken by He who must not be named. So has been the administration of Hogwarts.
    Donald Trump is “The boy who lived”.

  14. Neil Upton

    but where does global boiling fit in? at least women won’t need to suffer pregnancy as men will be sterile due to high testicular ambient temperatures

  15. Andrew

    “you’ve droped a ‘C’ in the last sentence.”

    C levels are dropping? Proof of climate change!

    Also P levels, but that’s another study

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