Military Launches Attack On Molecules! Look Out Climate Change, They’re Coming After You

Military Launches Attack On Molecules! Look Out Climate Change, They’re Coming After You

Fresh off of smitingtheir word—Tucker Carlson after he teased them about creating combat maternity flight suits, and taking a break from searching under barracks for furtive “white supremacists“, the Pentagon has announced a new enemy. Molecules.

Laughing would be unpatriotic, so please refrain.

Anyway, it’s true. The military is going to use its enhanced lethal—again, their word—female- and transgendered-dominated forces to prosecute with extreme prejudice carbon dioxide molecules.

“Why would they attack molecules, Briggs? That sounds asinine.”

No more asinine than paying to cut up men soldiers so that they better resemble female soldiers.

“Don’t be an ass. Why would they do that?”

I’ll tell you why. Consider that even though these male soldiers are surgically wounded, they’ll still be able to outperform female soldiers. Just look at sports where male transsexuals compete with women. Now the Pentagon can still fill its quota for females, as it were, while not sacrificing much physical performance in combat troops.

“Okay, that’s plausible. I buy it. But what does all this have to do with declaring war on molecules?”

Sorry. Got distracted. Because molecules cause climate change, that’s what. And the government has decided not to allow the climate to change anymore.

Sure, the climate has never stopped changing from Day One, but our great leaders have decided enough is enough, and they mean to put a stop to it. Al Gore couldn’t stop it. Hollywood couldn’t stop it. PBS specials didn’t stop it. Even unleashing child fund-raiser Greta Thunberg didn’t stop it from changing.

But the military is going to kick the crap out of climate change.

“How? By re-engineering machine guns so that they fire molecule-sized bullets? Employ drones equipped with very small molecule-grabbing tweezers? Launching giant vacuums into space to suck CO2 from the atmosphere? We have a Space Force now, you know.”

None of that. They’re doing to do something even better. They’re going to form a committee.

The first step in any committee formation, as you know, is to issue a memo. Theirs starts with “Climate change presents a growing threat to U.S. national security interests and defense objectives.”

A threat. Yes, so the military “will act immediately to include the security implications of climate change in our risk analyses, strategy development, and planning guidance. We will incorporate climate risk analysis into all our work from installation planning: to modeling, simulation, and war gaming”.

This is no small thing. They’re going to have to re-org their entire training regime to account for the distinct possibility the climate will be a tenth of a degree centigrade warmer on average, across the whole planet, in a century’s time.

Why, for uniform designs alone, they’re going to have to allow for extra ventilation so that soldiers can cool themselves in the newer, hotter climate.

And just think about sea-level rise! There may be as many as one to three millimetres of extra ocean to contend with in the next ten to twenty years alone. The Navy will need all new ships. The Marines will have to be issued extra thick rubbers for their boots to keep them dry as they storms the smaller beaches. Don’t even get me started on the dangers of trench foot.

“What about high-energy lasers from Raytheon, a company at which Lloyd James Austin III, our current Secretary of Defense used to work?”

Yes, those too. As Austin said, the new war on molecules will require “mission objectives to be aligned with our climate goals. The Department [of Defense] will leverage that alignment to modernize the force” and, of course, “strengthen our supply chains”. Such as those forged with high-tech companies.

Those lasers will be used to zap jungle foliage from all the extra plant growth caused by carbon dioxide, foliage that would otherwise slow our troops down. CO2 is plant food, you know. The more there is of it, the better plants grow. Carbon dioxide is like an evil anti-Agent Orange.

We just can’t allow plants all that free growth. If we can’t stop them from growing, we must to find a way to destroy the advantage plants will have over us.

“Maybe the Army will serve a lot more salads?”

Probably. Woke meat (made from plants) is coming. Besides, real meat makes men more aggressive. The last thing the military wants is aggressive soldiers. Mean soldiers are good for attacking enemies, yes, but they could just as easily attack us, too.

“Aha. That’s why they’re enlisting all those women.”

You got it.

An original version of this post appeared in edited form at The Stream.

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  1. M. A. Stadson

    Plants eat C02… turn it in 02… we just can’t have that!

    We will make our own 02 so we can keep breathing or just switch to the much more abundant N2. We can just do that right?

    I like that you also mentioned trans athletes. Not that it is an actual sport but in some wrestling promotions now they are all proud of having these “ladies” and it is so strange they seem to throw the other genetic women around like ragdolls…

  2. Sheri

    I’m laughing. I don’t care.

    If the military can stop a molecule, why didn’t it stop the pandemic?????

    M. A.: Women who are stupid enough to compete in a sport with fake women deserve to lose.

  3. Tim O.

    Carbon Credits are baaaack! Well, sooner-than-not anyway causing Al Gore to wet his eco-friendly Depends. Between fighting the pseudo-evils of phantom white supremacy and the fictitious, if not entirely natural, minute effects of climate change, when will we ever have time to prepare and, then be ready to respond to China’s global supremacy threat? Pish-posh, we have bigger fish to fry in making sure that the trans-community gets to wrestle real girls and, that the flow of children to satisfy the pedo appetites of the DC elite continues unabated.

  4. Dean Ericson

    Briggs you confirm here something I’ve long suspected: molecules are the real enemy. We know from physics that there is a god particle — it’s the smallest one — and that means there are devil particles, and those are the ones causing all the trouble. We need to go to war against them, as you note, by throwing the full might of our hot chicks, homos, and grannies (trannies, but grannies works too, spellcheck) against this insidious foe.

    One thing bothers me, however. Carbon has been made the main devil molecule, but everyone knows carbon is BLACK!, so it’s racist to persecute carbon. Nitrogen is white, and far more abundant, but it gets a pass because it’s the white supremacy molecule. White nitrogen needs to be eliminated from earth’s atmosphere. Oxygen is the manliest molecule so it needs to go too. We need more chick molecules, like argon and neon. Nobody takes helium seriously because it’s the gay molecule, so our military must make the world safe for helium. Ammonia is trannie and stinks and is persecuted so we need to include ammonia in new Civil Rights Executive Orders.

    Smash nitrogen supremacy! Molecules of the world unite! — you have nothing to lose but your bonds!

  5. Johnno

    Briggs forgot the most obvious solution.

    Obviously they intend to detonate nuclear weapons in strategic locations all throughout the homeland so that it results in a prolonged nuclear winter that will help bring the temperatures down, and we will periodically do this whenever climate testing shows that temperature cases are going up.

    So remember to strap on your radioactive suits and masks (note that’s plural) and get yourself read by the geiger counter before you enter the grocery store.

    If you’re feeling sick, don’t worry. They’ll have vaccines ready to alleviate the symptoms of all that radiation. Stockpiles of Vitamin D will be banned and doctors censored for recommending them while the sun and sky are blanketed for extended periods because it would be irresponsible to let people access these without further rigorous testing.

  6. Milton Hathaway

    Way off-topic, but I got a chuckle from the Raytheon laser video. That threatening horde of $1k drones is taken out painfully slowly one-by-one with a $100-bazillion high-energy laser system. It reminded me of a kid killing ants with a magnifying glass. If only the ants were sentient enough to paint themselves with reflective paint, they would be safe from kids with magnifying glasses! (Well, ok, until the kids got frustrated and just stomped on them.)

    There might be a way to get my comment back on-topic here. That Sec-Def memo dripped of lip-service. True, he’s a retired military swamp creature, and he might actually believe that crap he wrote, so the lip-service might end up oozing down a level or two until it stops at someone with half a brain.

    I’m not nearly as pessimistic as many on this blog. Societal norms are a pendulum, they swing one way until gravity (i.e., reality) takes over, then they swing back. The faster things swing, the quicker they eventually change direction. If you buy into this analogy, then you realize that society is only at it’s normal point for an instant in time. But the outrage exhibited on this blog and elsewhere is a vital ingredient in the process, so let’s just keep this between us.

  7. David L Walker

    I think those are all Brits in that picture. If I am to treat these people seriously my very next question is , “Do they have PT standards in the UK military ?”. They look like a serious bunch of doughnut wranglers to me !

  8. mike ozanne

    “Why, for uniform designs alone, they’re going to have to allow for extra ventilation so that soldiers can cool themselves in the newer, hotter climate.”


  9. David Walker

    Frocks …. After all it is the Biden Administration

  10. HarryS

    “That Sec-Def memo dripped of lip-service. True, he’s a retired military swamp creature, and he might actually believe that crap he wrote, so the lip-service might end up oozing down a level or two until it stops at someone with half a brain.”
    For real experienced lip-service, contact (!?) Monica L. Her lip-servicee, Bill, is in charge of lip-biting, not lip-servicing.

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