Apple Threatens World Destruction! “It is our aim to permanently remove carbon from the atmosphere”

Apple Threatens World Destruction! “It is our aim to permanently remove carbon from the atmosphere”

I was asked to look at this video promoted by the slob—no, really: he’s a slob; not that it’s his worst sin—who runs Apple. Unfortunately, some of you will have to click over to Twitter to see it.

He prefixes the video with these words:

At Apple, we believe that climate change is one of the world’s most urgent priorities and we are deeply committed to doing our part. Today we had a special guest—a real force of nature—stop by to check on our progress.

The people at Apple, if they believe that, therefore have demonstrate an appalling mental deficiency. You’d better hope the engineers who build the tracking devices you voluntarily carry around are exceptions to Cook’s observation.

Anyway, for those who cannot see the video, I shall explain it to you.

The video opens with a fat woman attempting to run, in what looks like for the first time in her life. During this we hear, captions tell us, “suspenseful instrumental music.”

This fades into—and I swear, I swear to you this is true—a nervous Tim Cook gently—gently!—lowers himself into a chair. With a trace of a grimace and a sigh. Busy night, Tim?

There are many people seated around a table. It is a meeting!

The fat woman is ready to begin the meeting. But first she stuffs dirt into her pocket. For Pachamama-related reasons? We never learn.

Our Diverse meeting participants hear thunder. They react. Their expressions are, “This is thunder.” Like the kind spoken of in legend. We see outside. The thunder rolls across a giant rainbow structure, an arch over the entrance through which, we assume, all must enter.

Captions assure us we hear “WIND BLOWING AND WHISTLING”. Dramatic music swells!

It stops!

Poof! A fat ugly black woman materializes at the head of the table, emasculating what was left of Tim’s emasculations, and announces, “I hope we didn’t keep you waiting.” But we can see her friendly sentiment is false. She looks like the lady at the DMV who is telling you that you forgot a form.

An Asian girl, in awe, tells us who the fat ugly black woman is. It is…wait for it…wait for it…MOTHER NATURE!

Emasculated Tim welcomes Mother Nature to Apple. She is not happy to be welcomed. Tim asks her how’s the weather. She says, “The weather is however I wanted it to be.”

Which, if true, means we don’t have to worry about “climate change” because Mother Nature can make the weather whatever she wants it to be!

Let’s see if Apple stays logically consistent and stays with this exciting theme.

The ugly woman we met at the beginning lip syncs Mother Nature’s speech. We never learn why. Can Mother Nature control minds? Maybe. We do know she is unhappy Apple is not yet “carbon neutral”. Which would be an amazing trick, since Apple needs carbon to build every product it sells.

Mother Nature dares any person sitting at the table to disappoint her. The meeting shakes in fear. Eyes are downcast. Who will be the first to speak?

Pumpkin Spice lady. She speaks first. Pumpkin Spice looks like a pumpkin that has had pumpkin spice rubbed all over it. To complete the illusions, she wears orange. She is bold, but her speech disappoints Mother Nature.

First ugly lady then boasts that Apple will eliminate plastic by—but she is interrupted by Mother Nature, who is having none of it.

Viewers slowly realize, after hearing them mumble and watching them squirm, that every man around the table is homosexual, or wants to be.

A black man, seeing those before him have failed to please Mother Nature, tries a different tack. Flattery. He compliments her wind. Yes, he did. She rebuffs this obvious approach. He makes it worse for himself when he mansplains carbon neutrality. Mother Nature scrapes his soul across the table. We fear for his life.

But, if you freeze the frame at precisely 2:51, you can see the man harbors thoughts of revenge.

A woman with acne scars, with a catch in her breath, says something about suppliers. Mother Nature does not care.

Pumpkin Spice, having regained her confidence, announces Apple has planted forests. Mother Nature rises from her chair and glares at Pumpkin Spice. But Pumpkin Spice is not intimated and bravely soldiers on. Mother Nature moves around the table toward her, screwing her face into a terrible frown. Will she eat Pumpkin Spice?

It is then the most dramatic moment of the film happens!

Pumpkin Spice says, and I quote, “It is our aim to permanently remove carbon from the atmosphere.”

What will Mother Nature say to this diabolical plan! Will she say, “If you remove the carbon, all life on earth will cease to exist within one week.” We will slap Pumpkin Spice? Will she plant a lightning bolt on Tim Cook’s head? Will she eat Pumpkin Spice?


She does none of this. She asks for water, or something. I could not make it out because I was too stunned. This Tim Cook is a madman who must be stopped. How could Mother Nature not see this? The viewer is aghast.

After she asks about water, Mother Nature turns her back to the table, looks out the window, and contemplates…well, she contemplates herself. Is she thinking, “I don’t need this crap, because I can make the weather anything I want to be?” Is she amusing herself with thoughts of how she will destroy Apple before they can implement their Satantic agenda?

Tim must have been musing along these lines, too. Because he, with effort, pushes himself out of the chair and tries to distract Mother Nature. Pumpkin Spice, fearing the worst, jumps up and tries to bribe Mother Nature with some electronic geegaws. Her plan fails.

Mother Nature finally threatens old emasculated Tim. But not about his insane scheme to remove carbon from the atmosphere! About how he’s not doing it fast enough!

While “suspenseful strings music” plinks along, Mother Nature users her aforementioned psychic powers and stares deeply into Tim’s eyes. We see a change come over him. He is in the power of his goddess. She nods. She squints. We sense her will is being thrust in deeply.

She stops. Finally, she exits, and the table slumps in exhaustion.

We end with a close up of the first fat woman, who is holding a plant. Which, right in front of us, comes to life!

But only, the viewers notes, after the black-clad goddess is gone.

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  1. JohnM

    After 1m04s I pressed the destruct button and Mother Nature disappeared.

  2. George O'Har

    I caught that remark about removing carbon from the atmosphere as well. So Apple spends millions on this stupid green boilerplate commercial and still a line like that gets through? Conclusion: the character writing the screenplay was a complete scientific moron. The actors were also “misinformed.” How could anyone say that about carbon? And, of course, it’s CO2, not CO. Reading between the lines, then, Apple has publicly come out for extinction. Baboons.

  3. Johnno

    This is what happens when all the Hollywood writers go on strike. You wind up with this… only then do you realize how much worse it could’ve been if they weren’t on strike, as this could’ve gone on for much longer…

  4. PaulH

    This is how companies fade into irrelevance, by wasting resources on irrelevant, oversized side projects and failing to innovate. Would Steve Jobs have tolerated this nonsense?

  5. Rex8or Legitimax

    Lock all the key Apple people up or even the whole lot of them for threatening or conspiring to commit globicide, they should still be required to make iPhone stuff etc though.

  6. Briggs


    And Mother Nature’s sons where stepsons.

  7. spetzer86

    Hey now, let’s not be too hard on Apple. I’m sure they were only talking about getting rid of fraction of CO2 in the atmosphere. I’m sure they wouldn’t shave more than 0.04% of the total atmosphere in this pursuit.

  8. Cary D Cotterman

    Eliminate plastic? Will iPhones have wooden cases? Steel? Stone? Glass? If there’s such a thing as a state of sub-moronitude, these people inhabit it.

  9. Uncle Mike

    Such morons! Firstly, as we all know, CO2 is the fundamental building block of all life, including all of Mama Nature as well as the twisted body of Tiny Tim. Every carbon atom in that wracked frame was once CO2 floating around in the atmosphere. That factoid is as basic as 2+2=4. Pathetic fools!

    What’s more, the Powers at Apple, the Largest Company in the World, think their goofy claptrap advert will win them more customers. Look at how stupid we are! Buy our products!

    Well, maybe egregious tweetardism sells. How dim are their customers? Can the depth of their ignorance be overestimated? Button pushers seeking same for purposes of mushing our brains — be the first one on your block to spend your entire life in a box.

  10. The True Nolan

    Well, I just watched the video. All of it. I have come to three conclusions:
    1) Nature is a bitch
    2) Advertising departments understand even less about science and technology than marketing does.
    3) I now need to go take a shower. A long, hot shower, with plenty of soap and a very rough washrag.

  11. Paul Blase

    If they eliminate all CO2 in the atmosphere, what are the plants going to eat? We’re having record crops now because of the abundant CO2, human-generated and otherwise. Too low and plants start dying.

  12. Gunther Heinz

    I’m reading all these nasty comments on my APPLE i-phone

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