Top Ten Fireworks Tips from the Cult of Safety First!

Top Ten Fireworks Tips from the Cult of Safety First!

Happy Fourth of July!


As a public service I am re-running this classic column. Today is our holiday, a time to happily remember when we were once a country. But Tomorrow is one of the Cult’s biggest celebrations. Today we’ll gather around campfires, have S’Mores and blow off some M-80s. Tomorrow, Cult members will rush to the “News” and gleefully listen for stories of how many people blew their fingers off. Each item will thrill them and convince them they did the right thing by cowering inside during the colorful night. There will be no stories of the joy from the day before of watching a perfectly placed bottle rocket make your friend spill his beer.

Here are your Cult of Safety First! tips for blowing off fireworks.

1. Take plenty of matches: propane blowtorches are ideal.

2. Hurl the bottle rocket at your victim just before the fuse hits the fuselage. If you merely aim it from a bottle, it won’t hit with sufficient force. Practice until you time the bang and impact perfectly.

3. Firecrackers under occupied chairs is a classic. But don’t be an amateur. Wait until your victim has a full drink.

4. Launch your attacks from behind a screen of smoke bombs. Blue smoke is the most beguiling.

5. Roman candle tag never grows old. Use two to develop a devastating crossfire.

6. Have plenty of beer on hand. Use anything with “Bud”, “Light”, “Lite”, “Session” or “Milwaukee” on the can to douse any hair that flames up.

7. Spent sparklers make excellent hotfoots.

8. Anybody who announces their pronouns is fair game.

9. “Hold this.”

10. Read this list to your wife or mother using a serious tone and while checking your stock and the workings of your lighter.

Have fun!

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  1. Charles

    I have received today’s email from Science Is Not The Answer.

  2. Brian (bulaoren)

    I spent 20 years in PRC China, mostly Shanghai. Whenetver a public holiday rolled around, the sky would light up with Starburst fireworks, mostly privately launched. Meanwhile, at street level, the air resonated with various forms of popping and booming ‘crackers. The following day, the streets were ankle deep in spent casings and shredded red paper.
    Then, about 10 years ago PSAs began appearing to encourage safety. It only took the authorities another year or 2 to implement nearly total bans on fireworks sales and use.
    The fireworks tradition, in China, went back many centuries. All gone now.

  3. Allen

    Wait, their sign says they sell M-100’s? When did they start making those? Oh, joyous days.

  4. Tars Tarkas

    I hope everyone took the kids to a 4th of July parade yesterday and had them wave flags. “The Science” proves this will make them Republicans as adults!!

  5. Hagfish Bagpipe

    Neighbors fired off a fireworks display, over the lake, that was one of the best I’ve seen. I say that as a curmudgeon who has come to despise fireworks as juvenile hooliganism celebrating satanic empire mass-murder warfare. But if you view it in its more benign aspect of “explosive artistic luminary entertainment” it’s quite delightful. My poor dog disagrees, cowering in the basement. Remarkable that the average citizen can now put on fireworks rivaling, or exceeding, the professional shows I recall seeing back in the day. Late Empire decadence, perhaps. But it was fun to see. Who says going down the tubes is all bad? Hells bells! — going down the tubes can be a blast.

    What’s Briggs up to? I can hear his damed typewriter banging away from all the way over here. The fiend.

  6. I think that if somebody’s hair gets set on fire, you’re having too much fun and need to tone it down. Just my 2 cents. 🙂

  7. Hello I am trying to reach William James Briggs. Are you this person? I have been trying to reach them via social media.

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