Culture

Behind The Scenes At NASA’s LGBTQ+ Scientist Of The Year Award

You will have already heard that Jane Rigby, who is an astrophysicist at NASA’s Goddard Flight Center. She won the LGBTQ+ Scientist of the Year at NASA for 2022.

This is, of course, a significant achievement, making Rigby the envy of LGBTQ+ scientists everywhere. It’s a sure bet that when Rigby started out LGBTQ+ing, she had no idea of the heights that awaited her. But she kept on her non-straight path, and the rest is history. How proud her parents must be.

Again, since NASA made such a big deal of it, you already knew all this. But what you didn’t know is that I happened to be at NASA this year, trying to talk people out of the EM drive. It was nice coincidence that when I was there I was allowed to tag along with Guy La Femme (originally from Quebec), NASA’s chief DIE officer, in his search for LGBTQ+ candidates.

“We really need Bs this year. We never have enough Bs,” La Femme told me as we walked along NASA corridors.

“What about gays?”, I asked.

He waved the suggestion away. “We are stuffed with gays. We have gays from here to Mars. Who do you think designed our fierce new spacesuits? No, what we need is some genuine Diversity. That’s the only way to get noticed these days. We had a trans intern last year in the Elementary Math Division, and he—I mean she-would have been perfect. But she received an offer to become technical advisor to Disney’s new science cartoon series, and she left.”

We had by then reached a break room. “Hey! Brian!” he shouted to a large black man drinking coffee. “We might have our B—and he’s black!” he whispered giddily to me. Then to Brian, “Didn’t I see you in the bathroom stall with Peter from Accounting at last year’s To The Moon! bash?”

“My zipper was stuck! Those lousy new spacesuits are always sticking. He knows how to fix them. We complain about them damn things all the time.”

“Nothing…romantic, then?”

“What are you talking about? I’m married.”

“Yes, I know.” And then to me again, “That’s what makes him our B—duuuh.”

But he gave up on Brian, and we continued on. We passed by an administrators office and La Femme said, “That’s X”—for political reasons, La Femme asked me not to use the administrator’s real name—“And I know for a fact that he likes to spend all his free time in the employee children’s playground, if you know what I mean.”

“One of the pluses in +?” I asked.

La Femme nodded. “It would such a coup. Only problem is, he’s mortal enemies with last year’s winner, who has a lot of sway with budgets around here. We just can’t risk a scene breaking out at the award’s ceremony.”

I pointed to a guy walking with a clipboard. Dressed in all black, sleeveless shirt, tattoos everywhere. More piercings than I could count. Hair dyed a color unknown to Nature. “What about him?” I asked.

“No, he only has sex with his wife. Nothing kinky, even. I checked.”

La Femme considered. “The perfect person is the Congressman—you know the one: the one that’s so good to us. It’s a known thing he will screw anything he can get his hands on. You should have seen what he did with one of the rocket models from last year’s science fair. The whole crowd cheering ‘Armageddon!’ He has no fixed gender: perfectly gender fluid. Everything you’d want, really.”

“Except?”

“Except he’s not a scientist. He can’t tell a black hole from…well, from any other kind of hole,” he laughed. “Besides, the award really should go to an employee. We have to have some integrity.”

And so, at long last, the candidate list being rich but troublesome, the award went to Rigby.

In the official announcement of the award, NASA said, “Rigby is just the greatest LGBTQ+ scientist there is. She can LGBTQ+ all over the place, and she can LGBTQ+ all day long. One time we came into her office, and there she was, LGBTQ+ing the place. We were amazed.”

It was after my trip I realized that while the first moon landing wasn’t faked. the next one will be.

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Categories: Culture

15 replies »

  1. Sexual deviants are the new saints of the alt-left. No one dare criticize them, everyone wants their child to be one, no expense must be spared in glorifying them.

  2. Obviously NASAs Employment Application leaves something to be desired

    Name
    Gender
    Gender Fluidity Scale
    Sex
    Other’s Sex
    Position Applied For
    Previous Position
    Positions Tried
    Positions Aspired To

  3. Hmmm….I’ll bet the shape of the rockets is a major factor in why NASA is such an attractive employment opportunity for the community.

  4. Briggs, this is a shocking exposé. Perversion, subversion, and animadversion all in a piece of undercover journalism worthy of the Pulitzer Prize. And it’s pretty damn funny. However were you able to insert your overgrown self, red flags flying, into such a secretive, sensitive, and moist place? No doubt your old Air Force-intel-op skills served you well. If Guy La Femme had known he was spilling beans to WM Briggs, international man of infamy, he would have clammed up tighter than a fly’s bull in bass season. Or something. It’s odd nobody’s been back to the moon. You’d think they’d be mounting Moon Mission Fake & Gay I, and with the same ridiculous cast of characters you profile here.

  5. Hagfish bearpaw

    You are familiar with that great moment in cinema “Flesh Gordon”?

    RE:It was after my trip I realized that while the first moon landing wasn’t faked. the next one will be.

    That is not the moon your thinking of … move along

  6. HB: “Bearspaw, right: the next moon rocket will be a giant dildo.”

    Too late. Jeff Bezos’ New Shepard Rocket, according to Mashable: “looks exactly like a penis”.

    Under the assertion that Penis == Dildo (which is undoubtedly true amongst the LGBT+ community), we can conclude:

    Been there, done that.

  7. Funny as hell Briggs until you realize they’re legislating this into reality
    with censorship, fines, and jailtime. The next big thing will be reeducation
    prison deferral camps.

  8. The Participation Trophy era has not peaked–it finds new ways to be pointless, and, I saw, fruitful..

  9. No wonder the Russians have nixed further shared rocket rides to the ISS. Sort of “Don’t put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington” for boffins.

  10. Hagfish: “However were you able to insert your overgrown self, red flags flying, into such a secretive, sensitive, and moist place?”

    Ew. Just . . . just . . . ew.

    I’m flagging your comment for gratuitous viscerality and unprovoked visuality. Some of us are trying to eat here.

    Ew.

  11. I submitted my design for the vagina shaped space launch vehicle, but still waiting to hear back from NASA.

  12. I was going to say that they could always catch a ride with the Russians but commenter C says that is over as the “elites” must have WWIII in order to save their financier banksters and build a better wall around their Pol Pot Pleasure Penthouse.
    Picture NASA Mission Control center scenes from the 1960’s and all the glory vaporized in the Long March to burn down the USA by any means necessary.

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